Michael Slezak
August 03, 2006 AT 12:00 PM EDT

Anybody feel like America’s Got Talent would be a lot more addictive with a tighter one-hour running time, as opposed to its current 120-minute smorgasbord? I actually had to split the show into two servings — consuming half last night, and half this morning — to avoid TV-induced indigestion and bloating. The following are my notes on the episode:

-Sudden realization #1: David Hasselhoff, with his injured hand and nonsensical comments (”exactly what this show’s about,” ”next level,” ”my crotch hurts from watching you do that jump”), is the new Paula Abdul.

-Sudden realization #2: Brandy, working that unfortunate curled bang/side ponytail, needs to stop steppin’ out with Tyra Banks’ hairdresser.

-Not every judging panel needs a British accent, as evidenced by the increasingly tired Piers Morgan, a sort of Simon Cowell 0.5 who works overtime to make pre-teens sob on national television. Maybe he could try getting attention by saying something funny or original. (”Nails on a chalkboard” doesn’t count as either, Piers.) Here’s hoping some enterprising reality producer will give us a German judge come fall. Or French. Or Nigerian. There’s really so many bitchy accents to choose from nowadays.

-Funniest joke of the night? The judges voting for Jon & Owen: The Passing Zone, two dudes whose main ”talent” is hanging people from pulleys and swinging them about the stage (and then passing it off as ”juggling”). Of course, far more deserving contestants like tap-dancing twins Sean and John, and the freaky-fabulous illusionists Quick Change (who I’m hoping will get the audience vote), probably aren’t laughing.

-And is it just me, or was AGT basically running on fumes during its final semifinal week? With the night’s final three acts — low-rent burlesque dancer Michelle L’Amour, an uncoordinated unicycle troupe, and Geritol-popping rockers Desperation Squad — you could practically hear the entire enterprise sputtering to a stop by the side of the road. Here’s hoping the show finds some spare fuel next week.

What did you think of AGT this week? And who are you hoping gets the audience vote?

You May Like