Scott Brown
August 16, 2006 AT 08:10 PM EDT

How will you celebrate Elvis Presley’s 29th death-iversary? Help me out, here: What do you get a dead icon for his 29th? Is it “wood”? “Paper”? “Cheese-injected Pickles Deep-Fried in Castrol”? I’m terrible with rituals. Not that I plan to go all Koizumi over it. (Man, does that guy love visiting shrines, or what?) This one’s only the 29th, for crying out loud. The 25th’s tough — that’s when the quarter-death crisis kicks in. And 30, of course, is dramatic: You really start to wonder where your death is going, if you’ve wasted your best dead-years, if law school’s the answer, etc.

My advice to dead Elvis is this: Relax. Death is long. And if you’re feeling stymied, hey, at least you don’t have your health, right? Try to savor every dead minute. And remember, this is a big night — it’s the night when Paul McCartney sneaks onto the Graceland grounds, in disguise, lays a wreath on your tomb and whispers “I’m more of a You person,” before firing a grappling hook and disappearing over the mansion’s rhinestone-encrusted cornice.

Does anyone else have an annual Elvis ritual? (Prime Minister Koizumi, please do NOT post those disturbing emoticons again or you will be banned from the board.)

addCredit(“Elvis: Alan Band/Keystone/Getty Images”)

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