Y’all. Y’all! Our very own Owen Gleiberman has not only viewed the long-awaited Snakes on a Plane–he has reviewed it. I will reveal only two details:
1. It’s not a “B” movie.
2. Both Don Simpson and cocaine are referenced in the first sentence.
Doesn’t look good.
[UPDATE: More critics, most of whom saw the film with paying crowds Thursday night, have weighed in, and the consensus seems to be that the movie offers exactly the kind of dumb fun the title promises, nothing less and, alas, nothing more.]
Some ssssssample reviews:
Kalamazoo Gazette: ”’I’m gonna be disappointed if this is a good movie,’ growled one man as he headed into a theater to see Snakes on a Plane…. Everyone who’s heading to see it knows precisely what they’re getting, and that guy must have gone home satisfied: He definitely did not see a ‘good’ movie.”
Toronto Star: ”The venomous verdict – wait for it – is that Snakes really does suck. It also hisses, bites, chokes, terrifies and amuses far more than anyone had any reason to hope or even suspect.”
Salon: ”I’d urge anyone who’s even remotely interested in Snakes on a Plane to see it this weekend, when the curiosity level will be at its highest, and with the biggest, rowdiest audience you can find. Because while Snakes on a Plane barely stands up as a movie, it definitely qualifies as an event. A fellow critic present at the same showing said that afterward, he couldn’t quite tell if the crowd actually liked the picture. But everyone sure liked being there.”
New York Times: ”All anyone really needs to know about this amusingly crude, honestly satisfying artifact is snakes + plane + Samuel L. Jackson…. Naughty by nature or perhaps more by design, these snakes don’t just dart out of toilets; they also slide up bare legs and under dresses, moving in and out of more bodily orifices than the adult-film star Ron Jeremy did in his prime.”
Baltimore Sun: ”It would have been nice if [director David R.] Ellis had brought a little more visual style to the film, directed with more panache; there’s a workmanlike feel to the movie’s pacing that doesn’t always jibe with its over-the-top vibe. And a cast of bigger names would have enhanced the movie’s sense of outlandish fun. Watching the unseemly demise of a bunch of anonymous extras and below-the-title actors just can’t compare to watching Poseidon’s roster of former Oscar winners fall one-by-one.”
New York Post: ”You’ll have to wait most of the movie before [Jackson] finally delivers the motherf—ing line of the summer, but when he does, you’ll be proud to be an American. The Japanese may make all the cars, the Chinese all the clothes and the French all the, um, Frenchmen. But damn if we don’t lead the world in catchphrases.”