7:00 p.m. Seacrest out!
7:01 p.m. Patrick Dempsey is so hot, it takes two people to interview him. Sadly, one of them is Billy Bush.
7:02 p.m. Sadly, no “Waiting for the Globes”-style musical intro.
7:03 p.m. Randy Jackson digs deep for fresh new red-carpet material: “What’s up, Billy, what’s goin down, baby?”
7:04 p.m. Mr. Bush responds by observing, “It’s got to be at least 150[degrees] underneath that armpit.” Note to self: I don’t need to hearthat!” But you did it!
7:05 p.m. Jean Smart should, like, totally be on every show ontelevision, no? Noting her son’s love of 24, she tells Nancy O’Dell,”He got to bring some friends to the set and actually see someone getmurdered!”
7:05 p.m. Oh, Billy, it takes a special talent (or lack thereof) to conduct a laugh-free interview with Steve Carell.
7:06 p.m. AWWWW HELL NO! BILLY BUSH JUST SHOVED VALERIE CHERISH OFF THECAMERA AND CUT TO MARIA MENOUNOS AND TIM GUNN’S FASHION SEGMENT.
7:07 p.m. Okay, sorry ‘bout that, just put away my inner Kimora Lee. Suddenly soothed by the dulect sounds of Tim’s voice.
7:09 p.m. Just wondering: Why is “Deja Vu” playing in the background of Jon Voight’s interview?
7:10 p.m. And why is Nancy O’Dell pretending she doesn’t know that the dude is estranged from his daughter (Angelina Jolie)?
7:14 p.m. OMG! Lisa Kudrow confirms The Comeback may come back… “maybe not as a series but we might find something else to do with it.” I need to SEE that!
7:17 p.m. Most honest red-carpet moment: Kyra Sedgwick kept her crumpled Golden Globe and SAG acceptance speech, just in case she finally gets to use it tonight.
7:20 p.m. William Shatner just said something about how he prefers his ladies “18 and over.” And I just hit the mute button to try to stop the screaming of the lambs.
7:22 p.m. Mariska! (That’s all.)
7:25 p.m. My nominee for best response of the evening goes to Grey’s Anatomy’s Ellen Pompeo. After suffering through a question from Billy Bush if she feels badly for costars Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson because they were the only Grey’s cast members to get nominated (huh?), all she can do is offer a pained smile when Bush smarmily exclaims, “You and McDreamy had sooooome love scene there at the end of that finale last season, right?”
7:31 p.m. Okay, Nancy O’Dell just asked Kiefer Sutherland a question so convoluted I have no idea how she got this gig? Was it about Charlie Sheen’s tennis game? Anyone?
7:36 p.m. Grinning Through Rage No. 1: “Thank you for bringing it up again!” says Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, when O’Dell becomes the 795th person to ask her about shaking the Seinfeld curse.
7:36 p.m. Grinning Through Rage No. 2: Inexplicably asked by Billy Bush if he’s ever seen big-screen costar Jennifer Garner’s baby, or perhaps Suri Cruise, because, well, he lives in California, Jeremy Piven brilliantly frees his tongue from between his teeth: “I don’t go hunting for celebrity babies. I have 116 other things to do, thank you, Billy. You need another job. I mean, you have potential as a human being. This may not be right for you. Seriously, can you focus on other things?” I totally want to have 10,000 of his babies right now.
7:40 p.m. Tim Gunn just declared the trend in dresses for tonight is “minimalism and aubergine.” Carry on.
7:45 p.m. Joan Collins gives a sweet interview about Aaron Spelling, but a picture says a thousand words, don’t you think? (Was that a wig?)
7:50 p.m. Hey, Paula Abdul got a pass from her doctor!
7:54 p.m. Joan Rivers isn’t the only one who can’t get her facts straight. Nancy O’Dell makes Annette Bening die inside a little by mistakenly suggesting she has an Oscar at home. Hey, there’s always Running With Scissors.