Scott Brown
August 30, 2006 AT 12:00 PM EDT

In case you haven’t gotten the message from Jason Statham’s stern, bald image, Crank opens this weekend. It’s the story of… hang on… the story of a man named… I’m gonna get this out without laughing, I swear… Chev… Chelios… YES. That is the gentleman’s name. Chev Chelios. Anyway, Chevy Cheerios awakes one day to find himself injected with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops below a certain level. Therefore, he must stay UP UP UP, in every possible way. The movie pretty much writes itself from there, more or less guaranteeing hyperadrenalized action and providing methheads worldwide with a rich, high-stakes fantasy mythos to go with their deviated septa. It’s Speed minus the bus, plus (I’m guessing) actual speed.

Crank has also made me realize: It’s really easy to make a movie, long as you’ve got a can’t-miss premise like this. We’re smart folks, aren’t we PopWatchers? We can crank a few of these out?

(Click the jump to see Scott’s Crank-inspired pitches…)

How about:

Our hero, Cheech Chongstein, wakes up, andthe bad guy tells him, “I put this thing in you that makes it so youhave to keep walking or you’ll blow up.”
“Keep walking, like, fast?”
“No,” says the bad guy, “Not that fast. Just walking. You just can’t stop, that’s all.”
“Can I walk in place?”
“Yeah, I guess that’d be OK. It’s very doable. I’ve read your file. You’re a good walker. This is in your wheelhouse.”


¿Dónde Está El Baño?
Our hero, Chim Chiminy, wakes up inTijuana, really needing to go to the bathroom. The bad guy doesn’t callor tell him why. He can’t even remember if there was a bad guy. All heremembers is making out with a woman who turned out to be a bottle ofCuervo and then his friends entering him in a beauty pageant. God, doeshe need to go to the bathroom. But all the people speak some strangenon-English language, or at least pretend to. Can he find a bathroom intime? Based on a true story.


Not Feeling Well
Our hero, Chazz Palmintieri, wakes up and is pretty sure he’s gettinga cold. But there’s no echinacea in the house. Will he find some intime? Also based on a true story.

C’mon, you can do better than this. Give me a good human time-bomb scenario, and let’s sell it and get outta this dump.

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