Scott Brown
September 01, 2006 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 Mel Gibson reportedly cold-calling individual Jews to apologize Worse, he always seems to call during dinner.

2 Stripper says Matt LeBlanc defamed her ”I never said I ‘kinda dug Joey,”’ she swears, adding ”Who’ll touch me now?”

3 Elton John wants to go hip-hop So that’s why Jay-Z was at the U.N.: to press for sanctions.

4 Barry Manilow took his Emmy into surgery with him It was ready to donate a tiny, gold-plated kidney.

5 In statement, Seven Dwarfs protest Pluto’s demotion to ”dwarf planet” Luckily for this column, Disney hasn’t axed its Idiotic Press Release Department.

6 Andrew Lloyd Webber says he’ll musicalize Stalin-era novel The opening song is ”Jellicles Can and Jellicles Will Increase Wheat Production by 46 Percent or Die.”

7 Jackie Mason sues Jews for Jesus for using his image How DARE they imply Jackie Mason is Jewish!

8 Danny Bonaduce to be murdered in season premiere of CSI Shirley Jones stays chained in the basement until sweeps.

9 K-Fed also to be on CSI An autopsy will reveal he sucks.

10 NYC officials oppose race-based Survivor teams ”Different ethnicities undercutting each other in a scramble for limited resources on a crowded island?” said a spokesman. ”We copyrighted that ages ago.”

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