1 Man allegedly impersonates federal agent to win job as Brangelina bodyguard If he wanted to get in the door, he should’ve tried impersonating an orphan.
2 Elton John ends feud with George Michael The two have arrived at a doctrine of mutually assured irrelevance.
3 Woman accused of hiring hitman to whack lover’s MySpace friend Worse, she found the contract killer on Friendster.
4 Oprah does not want to be president At least, not until her appointment as Oprah for Life runs out.
5 Alec Baldwin says Kim Basinger compared him to Saddam Hussein Baldwin admits to decimating a Kurdish village in the ’80s (”Who didn’t?”), but cites his ”better hair.”
6 Beatles albums to be made into stamps Careful: I licked a Yes album once and became convinced I was postmaster general.
7 Post-Whitney Houston Bobby Brown to rejoin New Edition for reunion concert The Shenkman bar mitzvah is in for a serious treat.
8 Bruce Willis says he has just as many Democratic ideas as Republican ones Which kind of idea was Bandits?
9 Russia reportedly refuses to shoot Madonna into space In a compromise, they will fire her in the general direction of Chechnya.
10 Identity of Lonelygirl15 revealed Thank you for all the cards, letters, and naked pictures of yourselves.