Scott Brown
September 22, 2006 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 Man allegedly impersonates federal agent to win job as Brangelina bodyguard If he wanted to get in the door, he should’ve tried impersonating an orphan.

2 Elton John ends feud with George Michael The two have arrived at a doctrine of mutually assured irrelevance.

3 Woman accused of hiring hitman to whack lover’s MySpace friend Worse, she found the contract killer on Friendster.

4 Oprah does not want to be president At least, not until her appointment as Oprah for Life runs out.

5 Alec Baldwin says Kim Basinger compared him to Saddam Hussein Baldwin admits to decimating a Kurdish village in the ’80s (”Who didn’t?”), but cites his ”better hair.”

6 Beatles albums to be made into stamps Careful: I licked a Yes album once and became convinced I was postmaster general.

7 Post-Whitney Houston Bobby Brown to rejoin New Edition for reunion concert The Shenkman bar mitzvah is in for a serious treat.

8 Bruce Willis says he has just as many Democratic ideas as Republican ones Which kind of idea was Bandits?

9 Russia reportedly refuses to shoot Madonna into space In a compromise, they will fire her in the general direction of Chechnya.

10 Identity of Lonelygirl15 revealed Thank you for all the cards, letters, and naked pictures of yourselves.

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