Lynette Rice
September 26, 2006 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”Prison Break”: The team loses another member

I like the idea of a pot o’ gold awaiting our boys; I’d just prefer it to play out more like The Shawshank Redemption when we saw Morgan Freeman scan the side of that stone wall, dig himself out a load of cash, and then hop onto the next bus to Mexico, where he’ll meet his friend next to the bluest ocean you’ve ever seen. End credits. Goodbye, everybody!

Shouldn’t this series end with them finding the money? That is, after Lincoln’s name is cleared, T-Bag’s back in prison, Fernando’s back with Maricruz, and Mike has made up with Sara, so he can use Westmoreland’s booty to treat her to a nice honeymoon in Bermuda.

Instead, Michael and Lincoln make the curious decision to not only spy on a house in broad daylight but dig up the foundation of one Diana Scarwid, last seen on Fox in the tragically underappreciated Wonderfalls and now wearing a slutty skirt that screams, ”Take me!” Man, this babe let her loins cloud her better judgment. Share a drink with the oily T-Bag while a bunch of misfits excavate her garage floor? At least she came to her senses and finally admitted what she was really after; a drink with the colossally scrumptious Lincoln. (Okay, now she and I have something in common.) But first, an interruption! Seems Tweener — out on another fool’s errand to get gas for that lemon they call a getaway car — has been cut off at the pass by the razor-sharp Mahone (note to self: get name of those mind-altering drugs he pops to stay focused) and has led the feds to Diana’s digs. Will the boys abandon the get-rich-quick scheme and get the hell out of Podunk once and for all?

Before I go on, please know that all of us here at would like to think that your first instinct after the show is to sign on to our fine website. Fortunately, we’re not that naive. Holler if you immediately scouted out, the website Michael revealed to Fernando as a place to post if he ever needed to leave a message. Yes, being the slave that I am to shameless TV promotion, I found the obscure and oh-so-spartan website. No, there are no postings from Fernando. Yes, there is a lot of fake jibber-jabber about where to find this elusive little bird of the finch family, including some significant ”southwest” sightings. I haven’t much interest in or use for trivia about a red-faced winged thing that’s 4 inches in length, but I imagine this won’t be the last time we viewers are led to this totally random website.

Back to the boys. Man, if only they would give up this pipe dream of becoming insta-millionaires and instead return the ”break” to the show title — that is, break the mystery behind Lincoln’s wrongful incarceration, and take down that corrupt president once and for all! Alas, the only constant tie we have to the administration is Kellerman, who’s furiously trying to buddy up with Sara so he can get to Michael before the FBI does. In the night’s most suspenseful moment, Sara’s father recognizes Kellerman at a federal building and soon phones his daughter to warn her how the man he recently saw in her apartment ”is not who he says he is.” It seems that man also has the ability to teleport himself, because he’s suddenly standing next to Sara! Paul Adelstein’s performance as Kellerman scared the crap outta me last season, and he’s become the character I most look forward to seeing.

And finally, a word about the touched man they call Haywire. I imagine it is our shared dream to gorge ice cream directly from the nozzle of a soft-serve machine — but it seemed awfully strange that a crazy man in a football helmet could ride around on a bike unnoticed and only get caught when he behaved like a glutton at the local Dairy Queen. But he’s far from stupid. Though a painting of a Dutch windmill from a blind woman’s house should get him as far as, say, nowhere, Haywire knows that a silo is what he needs to locate and a silo is where he is going to find that money!

So what do you think? Will Tweener face the same fate as Abruzzi next episode? Will the men get their money? And what’s the significance of the European goldfinch, anyway?

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