Whitney Pastorek
September 27, 2006 AT 06:38 PM EDT

Checking in on what’s staggering its way towards inevitable box office disappointment this week:

Eragon (Dec. 15) As a PopWatch exclusive, we proudly present this trailer’s inner monologue: ”Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. I could be Lord of the Rings. Look! I’m just like Lord of the Rings!  Who? Malkovich? Oh, don’t mind him. Doesn’t this remind you of Lord of the Rings? Lord of the Rings!” In all honesty, it looks very swordy and epic, but can this movie version of Christopher ”Lil’ Spanky” Paolini’s book capture the hearts and minds of the world? You tell me. I’m biased, because I really like dragons. (They’re like ponies… on fire!)

The Prestige (Oct. 27) Hotly anticipated! And why wouldn’t it be? You’ve got Hugh Jackman speaking American, Christian Bale (pictured) speaking creepy, Scarlett Johansson’s now world-famous bosoms, and magic. Where do I sign up? I like the look of it, all turn-of-the-century and — AAAH! Why didn’t anyone warn me about this Rachael Ray show?? [desperately searching for remote control…] OK. Mute. Whew. Where was I? Oh, right. I like the way director Christopher Nolan has put together his Batman Repertory Theater and used his spare time between giant franchise films to, you know, just whip up a little something. Also I like wondering if every time David Blaine sees this trailer, he cries.

The Good Shepherd(Dec. 22) Well, far be it from me to judge (oh, wait, I get paid to dothat!), but this movie looks like a billion movies I have seen beforeall rolled into one. First, you’ve got Matt Damon in glasses, whichindicates that we are dealing with Super-Smart Matt Damon here, notAction Matt Damon or Down-On-His-Luck Matt Damon. (Matt Damon = turninginto William H. Macy? Discuss.) Second, you have a large cast of whitemen doing something mysterious involving government and saving all ofour lives while looking like accountants, which is a very overusedtrope, not to mention the fact that, while I don’t know about you, Ipersonally like my G-men a little more dashing. And finally, of course,there is the poor little wifey at home, sitting and wringing her handswhile hubby is off changing the world, but who on earth decided it wasa good idea to cast Angelina Jolie as Poor Little Wifey? She’s the mostsinister thing about that trailer; I kept waiting for her to whip outthe automatic weapons. Not a must-see for me.

Rachael Ray just said, VERY LOUDLY, that she has never been into ”extremes of any kind.” Shh, Rachael. Shh.

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