TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best | EW.com

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TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

TV's funniest lines from Sept. 26 to Oct. 2. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

(James Woods: Fernando Leon/Retna)

”Oh, just think of it as eight Priuses welded together.”
SEBASTIAN STARK (JAMES WOODS), TO HIS DAUGHTER, JULIE (DANIELLE PANABAKER), AFTER SHE COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE CAR SHE’S USING TO PRACTICE FOR HER DRIVING TEST, ON SHARK

”That is not a C-section scar! That’s from when one of my prom dates stabbed me.”
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), TO CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ) ON MY NAME IS EARL

”I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like with firemen — you don’t leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.”
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), TALKING ABOUT FORMER COWORKER JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI), ON THE OFFICE

”Now, I don’t see race. People tell me I’m white, and I believe them, because I belong to an all-white country club.”
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

”Hey, they’ve mopped up all the amniotic fluid, so we should feel safe to start the conga line!”
TOM (DOUG SAVANT), AFTER XIAO MEI’S WATER BREAKS DURING BREE’S WEDDING RECEPTION, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”The only thing I’m worried about is losing my morals and my shoes.”
KYNDRA, PREPPING FOR THE WINTER FORMAL DANCE, ON LAGUNA BEACH

”I even made a white girl look like she had some ass.”
MICHAEL, PRAISING HIS OWN DESIGN, ON PROJECT RUNWAY

”On this week’s Dancing With the Stars, one of the contestants snagged her dress on something and accidentally exposed her rear end. Fortunately, no one noticed, because everyone on that show looks like an ass.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT