Yes, Ms. Stewart, we are aware your kitchen’s spotless, but we still want to check the temperature of your daytime talk-show, Martha. Hey! Is that a cockroach over by the fridge? Just kiddin’!
Love her or hate her, you know you’re in for an interesting hour of TV when Martha Stewart crawls onto the stage on all fours, dressed as a black cat (with makeup courtesy from some dude who worked on the original production of Broadway’s Cats). And now for a tour of the set, including colorful food bowls for cats “alive and deceased,” says Martha. Alrighty then!
Let’s bring out… Andy Dick… also dressed as a cat, except for his cat does a very bad Woody Allen impersonation. “I only have five lives left: three in therapy and the other two feral.” Martha has no idea how to handle this, so she cuts to a woman in the audience dressed as Martha Stewart, sitting next to someone dressed as a fried egg. Andy says the curvaceous impersonator looks like Martha after she’s eaten a million fried eggs. The real Martha winces. The impersonator claps. The fried egg sits motionless.
“A magical spell has been cast upon the audience and transformed all ofthem into magical and bewitching delights,” declares Martha. I’ll havewhat she’s having!
A couple dressed as Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen present a real black cat (one of 40 in the audience!) dressed in a Superman cape. “This is definitely one pussy Superman couldn’t handle,” sneers Dick, who then proceeds to flirt with an audience member dressed as Captain Hook. Martha, refusing to lose focus, presents a $500 gift certificate from the Hershey’s store to a woman dressed as a lint roller.
Back from break, Andy chases a Martha staffer named Joey who’s dressed as a mouse, but whose wayward costume stuffing makes said mouse look sexually aroused. When Andy tries to feed something to Martha’s dog Francesca, Martha stops him, saying it’ll cause her pooch to “make little smells,” so Andy pours black food coloring onto his own tongue. “It says, ‘Ingredients: Cancer!’” Andy screams, spitting the dye into Martha’s kitchen sink while she gamely finishes preparing her cat’s-paw-shaped cookies. “Would you give me a kiss with my black tongue?” he asks. “I wouldn’t give you a kiss without your black tongue!” Martha snaps back with a hearty chuckle. Y’know what? I think she’s lovin this! But then Andy says something about having “butt worms,” and then it’s commercial time, and then he never comes back. All that’s left is Martha’s pets expert wearing terrifying tiger face-paint, and The Cheetah Girls, performing some terrifyingly bad song and dance routine. But they have a line of Hasbro toothbrushes that help “build the brand,” says the tallest Cheetah. And I realize this is hands-down the most insane-entertaining show in daytime.