Bring on the hometown dates!
-Date No. 1, Sadie in San Diego: Sadie is guarding her heart. Sadie’s mom likes that Lorenzo “locks eyes.” There’s a bonfire on “Moonlight Beach.” Lorenzo asks Sadie if she’s trying to seduce him. Um, dude, haven’t you been listening to the voiceover? She’s a virgin.
-Date No. 2, Lisa in Portland: Hey, there’s Lisa’s “best friend” Allie! There’s Allie engaging in some light sabotage by insisting Lisa try on her wedding dress in front of Lorenzo, then filling in the guy on Lisa’s five-year marriage-and-procreation plan! Yeesh, there’s Lisa’s wedding magazines! Now there’s Lisa’s mom, calling her daughter’s marriage obsession “a little strange” and “scary.” Dad, more diplomatic, notes, “My daughter’s a planner.” But wait, before you go, Lorenzo, Mom’s going to force you to do some post-dinner Pilates on the living room floor! “I can see where Lisa got her charming qualities from,” he says with a pained grin.
-Date No. 3, Jen in Miami: Jen (pictured, with Lorenzo) catches a baby shark whilefishing on a boat called “Hurricane.” Lorenzo senses Jen’s dad hasguns. He’s right! (Spooky.) “I was nervous to meet her parents becauseit’s their only child. And I knew that her father had an extensive guncollection,” he confesses to the camera. Smart boy. Jen’s dad waves arifle, informs Lorenzo it’s “for the individual who treats my daughterinappropriately.” Hey, Mr. Jen, have you heard about next week’sovernight dates?
-Date No. 4, Agnese in Venice: Peculiar greeting from Lorenzo –“You look very Italian!” Agnese shows off a truly stunning piece ofarchitecture: The hospital where she was born! I make mental note whereI’m taking my next vacation. There’s a steamy gondola ride, a verysweet dinner with Agnese’s Italian-speaking family, a dance party withmad hats and terrifying masks, followed by what appears to be a verygenuine goodnight kiss. Woot! I think this guy’s actually falling forthe one decent chick left on this show.
Or not. Lorenzo gives his last rose to she-beast Lisa. He and Agneseembrace. Both of them start to sob. What the heck is wrong with thisguy? I’m so over this show right now. I’m totally not watching itanymore. What’s that? Next episode (on Nov. 13), “Sadie’s virginity gets put to theultimate test”? Okay, I’m in. Maybe the producers will threaten tosacrifice her to a volcano or something if she doesn’t succumb to thefantasy suite. Wouldn’t want to miss that, right?