Scott Brown
November 09, 2006 AT 08:26 PM EST

Remember when an “event” didn’t need ironic air quotes around it? Nope, me neither. I’ve lived my entire adult life inside the hype machine. For me, every new divorce or moderately funny YouTube video merits a news blast. I can hardly separate events from “events” any more. For example, I understand something rather important happened yesterday. Somebody got kicked to the curb after a long and fruitless occupation… it was either this guy, or this guy, or both. Dunno. I can’t make those sorts of distinctions anymore.

That said… y’all, I am super-psyched about the debut of tonight’s full, two-and-a-half-minute Spider-Man 3 trailer! It’s gonna be “roadblocked” across all the Viacom networks (CBS, MTV, Comedy Central, Showtime, The Sumner Redstone’s Fishtank Channel, etc.) at about 10pm. Yes, “roadblocked.” Don’t you like it when a theoretically fun leisure activity is characterized as something aggressive and compulsory? Like the upcoming Christmas Blockade and Thanksgiving Checkpoint.

Why Viacom? Spidey’s a Sony property. But Sony’s highest profile TVholding is The Game Show Network, and while Spider-Man’s fanbase hastremendous overlap with viewers of 20-year-old $64,000 Pyramid reruns, maybe the Sony suits decided it was time to play nice with a more small-screen-savvy media giant.

My only quibble with the megacorps: Why not make an “eventcommercial” TiVo-able? It should be listed as a separate program, forcrying out loud. Not that it won’t be up on the Internet in 3.2seconds, but why should I wait a whole 3.2 seconds for an “event”? Ineed every moment to be momentous. Otherwise I get cranky, I getornery, and I protest-vote.

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