America wants change. Sir Kev the Federlionhearted? Out. (Though I understand Britney, pictured, and FedEx will be popping out a few more last-minute babies “for the road.”) Bobby Brown? Prerogative revoked. Ryan Phillippe? Deported to Iwo Jima. The Republican Party? Thumped.
It’s called “breakup vibes,” a concept you’ll remember from freshman year of college. One couple on the hall splits, and pretty soon, everybody’s either single or realigned. Am I crediting Nick Lachey with the defeat of the Republican Party? Yes, I think I am.
Of course, public relationships are under special scrutiny and special pressure. Nick and Jessica, Whitney and Bobby, Britney and the Fed, David and Liza, Carmen and Dave, Travis and Shanna– all of these couples made the bold and selfless decision to whoretheir marriages for our amusement. And all of them paid the ultimateprice (different for each divorce lawyer, but, in every case, prettyultimate). Which is why it’s so important to congratulate theoriginals, Ozzy and Sharon,on 24 years of nuptial bliss (only three of them fully publicized).These two know how to make an on-camera marriage work – and how tomake it last after all that precious, life-giving attention has gonethe way of yesterday’s marmite.
Well done, kids. In the freshman dorm of popular culture, you’rethat sickeningly stable couple at the end of the hall. You’ve got yourown thing going on, and nobody knows exactly what that thing is, thoughsome of us can smell it wafting from under your door. You’re immune tochange. Hell, you’re probably still voting Whig. Stay strong.