And lo, on the seventh day of November, Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, ending two dark, zitty years in career oblivion. Below, our comeback plan.
1 LOSE THE GUM Believe us, we all like a good piece of Juicy Fruit now and again, but it’s tacky, tacky, tacky! Might we suggest Listerine Breath Strips? Or a discreet Tic Tac?
2 TAKE YOURSELF OFF THE MARKET. NO, REALLY. You’ve had one acceptable boyfriend, and we all know how that ended. Stick with sons Sean Preston and Jayden James for now.
3 FOLLOW THE TALENT You’re one of the most successful recording artists of all time. Act like it! Hunt down producers like will.i.am and Timbaland. Stop letting the Pussycat Dolls steal your thunder!
4 REENERGIZE YOUR BASE Debut a new single on little sister Jamie Lynn’s show Zoey 101. Plug your nose and plead for forgiveness from the masses by attending a taping of Dancing With the Stars.
5 SIT DOWN WITH OPRAH This is unavoidable. Prep with some intense media training, and time your appearance to a new project and one of your sexy magazine covers. Yes, that’s a hint.