Michael Slezak
November 14, 2006 AT 12:00 PM EST

Did you realize that last night we already reached the point in The Bachelor: Rome where Lorenzo invites the three remaining women to spend the night with him (not all at once, of course) in a so-called “fantasy suite”? (That’s a rhetorical question.) In the course of one hour, I counted 18 mentions of the term “fantasy suite”/”fantasy card,” and an additional six uses of everyone’s favorite overnight-date adjective, “intimate.” It was the equivalent of the show’s producers slapping Post-its on our foreheads with the message: “THEY’RE SO GONNA DO IT TONIGHT!” With that in mind, credit must be given to Lorenzo (and his ladyfriends) for keeping the Spice-channeling to a minimum, so as not to repeat the lye-in-my-eye sting brought on last season when Travis and Susan brought the skankulous soft-core to their outdoor hot-tub romp. Anyhow, without further ado, let’s rank the dates in ascending order of hotness:

Lisa in Budapest: For a gal who allegedly knows her Bachelor playbook, how come Lisa (pictured) thought it was a good idea to dish previous season’s Bachelors in the midst of her overnight date? “Travis was hot, but he was a total tool. Seriously!” she rambled, while Lorenzo’s eyes bugged with alarm. And while you’ve got to hand the guy credit for pointedly asking why Lisa would bother applying for a show that hadn’t yet produced a single man she’d consider husband material, I still can’t understand why he invited her back to his suite. (Well, you know the producers demanded it, but still…) Anyhow, if pumping my fist and cheering as an eliminated Lisa sobbed uncontrollably in the limo makes me evil, then I ask you this: Where do I purchase my express ticket to Hell?

Jennifer in Sweden: This trip to a theme park in Göteborg would’vebeen so much better if Lorenzo (wearing his salmon-colored sweater ofseduction) had leaned over to Jen and told her he wanted her to treathis body like an amusement-park ride. But, alas, no dice. All we gotwas a stupid stuffed dog named Simon Fred (they couldn’t agree on aname for it, so that was their compromise) and Lorenzo hoping thatriding bumper cars would “bring out Jen’s emotions.” Oh, that and Jenkissing Lorenzo with the kind of romantic enthusiasm typically reservedfor one’s elderly aunties. It’s so not on, people.

Sadie in Sicily: There comes a special time in every woman’s lifewhen, during her second or third non-group date with a suitor, shereceives a personalized invitation to lose her virginity during anintimate overnight date in a fantasy suite. All she has to do is putaside the fact that said suitor has shared similar sexytime with twoother women in the past week. And, oh, also that their foreplay will betelevised. Seriously, though, while I applaud Lorenzo for getting thepoint across on camera that he was only seeking alone-time in the suiteso he and Sadie could escape the cameras and talk, I couldn’t help but snickering like Beavis at all the double-entendres in the house.Like Sadie’s remark, “I’ve had many firsts [with Lorenzo]. I’venever had a massage outside in Sicily. I’ve never gone scuba diving.I’ve never flown a plane.” (Are these just euphemisms I’m not familiarwith?) And did ABC really need to show Lorenzo helping Sadie with hermouthpiece and instructing her to “go down” in the pool during theirscuba lesson? Just think how special it’ll be to have that footagehandy someday when Lorenzo and Sadie’s grandkids plan their 50thwedding anniversary. Ain’t love grand?

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