Dear U.S. Navy Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, M.D.,
Condolences Congratulations on accepting ABC’s offer to star in the spring 2007 edition of their reality-dating franchise, The Bachelor. Far be it from me to tell you how to conduct your quest for love – after all, you’re an “undersea medical officer” and accomplished triathlete, I’m sure you can handle juggling 25 intoxicated she-beasts – but keep in mind that you’ve got a second task to perform: entertaining the masses. That’s where I can help, Andy. In fact, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a Five-Step Plan for Making Your Upcoming Season the Most Entertaining in Bachelor History. Feel free to print it out and keep it in your pocket as you start your Bachelor journey.
1. Speaking of which, if you find yourself repeatedly saying the word “journey” (or the phrase “strong feelings”) or describing your favorite bachelorettes as “awesome,” “amazing,” or “great,” then, seriously, it’s time to flex your internal thesaurus. (For the record, that’s not one of the muscles that’s part of your fat-free, body-hair-free physique.)
2. ABC’s dossier on you describes your “self-deprecating sense of humor.” I’ve got my doubts, but try to prove me wrong on this one, okay?
3. As long as there’s alcohol in the room, keep drinking it. I know, it’s not the respectable thing to do as an officer and a gentleman, but chugging the hooch is a crucial part of your tour of duty. As we learned from erstwhile Bachelor Charlie O’Connell, it’s not the memories of stilted dinner-date chatter, but rather, hazy images of body shots and dirty dancing that last once love fades.
4. Oh, and about those dinner dates? You don’t have to be like every other Bachelorwho’s come before you and limit your conversations to the mind-numbingminutiae of your relationships with the show’s various women. Hang onto the things that made you a human being before you became a realityTV star, like how you saved $25,000 for college before graduating highschool, or your degree in biology (with a concentration in genetics),or the way you treated Laotian villagers in need of medical attentionwhen you accompanied a military team to that country earlier this year.Really, we Bachelor fans will take just about anything – as long as it isn’t about “boundaries” and “emotions” and “fantasy suites.”
5. Oh, OK, I lied. We totally want to hear about the fantasy suites.
Anyway, hope I’ve been some help to you. Feel free to check back at PopWatch as we
mercilessly mock excitedly cheer your quest for love come spring.