Dan Snierson
December 08, 2006 AT 05:00 AM EST

What if ”Lost” switched with ”The Office”?


Act 1 In the operating room, Jack and Juliet wait for Kate’s call. After an awkward silence, they play games to kill time. Juliet asks what DVDs Jack would bring to a desert island. Jack answers without seeing any irony. One of his movies is Twister with Helen Hunt. Juliet decides to make fun of Jack with Ben if Ben survives. Back on the beach, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Claire, and Sayid strap airplane seats to their feet and race to see who gets to say a line of dialogue.

Act 2 After being bitten by malarial mosquitoes, Sawyer pulls quinine tablets from an unseen crevice of his body and offers one to Kate. Meanwhile, Hurley inadvertently insults Sun and Jin by announcing they’ll all celebrate Chusok (the Korean harvest-moon festival) and he’s prepared Vincent as a traditional meal. Horrified stares. Main title sequence.

Act 3 Locke, a volunteer sheriff’s deputy, finds the plane Eko was headed for. Inside, there’s a copy of the 1981 TV movie The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island and a portable DVD player. Intrigued, he grabs both, then runs. Out of the leaves comes…the black smoke. It searches the plane, seizes something, and retreats. We see it has grabbed Twister with Helen Hunt. As we push in on the DVD, scary music screeches.


Act 1 Dwight wraps a tape measure around his head and confides to Michael that his skull is mysteriously expanding. Michael throws a mysterious glance at the microwave, then looks at the camera and rolls his eyes. Mysteriously.

Act 2 Jim and Roy get in a knife fight over Pam. FLASHBACK: Five-year-old Jim watches his parents have a knife fight. Back in the present, Jim cries cathartically, persuading Pam to choose him because he’s so ”sensitive.” Dwight’s head continues to grow exponentially. Michael hides something in the microwave, then looks at the camera mysteriously as we hear scary supernatural sounds coming from the copy room. When played backward on TiVo, they seem to say ”Dunder Mifflin is Satan’s playground.”

Act 3 In a series of jaw-dropping twists, we reveal that the ”camera” everyone has been talking to all this time doesn’t actually exist and that Dwight’s head isn’t in fact expanding, but his body is getting smaller. Furthermore, we never reveal what Michael hid in the microwave (we’ll find out three seasons from now) and that the scary supernatural sounds are actually coming from Stanley. Oh…and most shockingly of all, Pam is Jim. BANG. Mysteriously revolving TITLE CARD — The Office.

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