Josh Wolk
December 27, 2006 AT 05:00 AM EST

The new season of ”The Real World”

”This is the most ridiculous house in all of America!” (HYPERBOLIC REACTION) yells Colie (NEEDY, EASY GIRL) upon entering the Denver (CITY) abode. She immediately declares Jenn (EVEN EASIER GIRL) her best friend 4-eva, and falls hard for Alex (CREEPILY SMOOTH GOOD-LOOKING PLAYER). After they all get drunk, Colie (NEEDY, EASY GIRL) Makes out (SEXUAL ACTIVITY) with her crush. He then has sex with (SEXUAL ACTIVITY) that girl’s new-best-friend roomie, who had earlier sucked face in the hot tub (WILD INCIDENT THAT CONFIRMS HER BAD-GIRL CRED) with Brooke (THIRD BAD-GIRL ROOMIE, WHO ISN’T QUITE TRAMPY ENOUGH TO GET MUCH CAMERA TIME). Watching Colie’s (THE CUCKOLDED GIRL) tawdry desperation (FORM OF HUMILIATION) will make her parents envy friends whose kid only did ‘Girls Gone Wild’ (LEVEL OF SHAME). Meanwhile, Davis (GAY ROOMMATE) comes out to the house, which shocks Stephen (HOMOPHOBIC ROOMMATE, who tells him ”Homosexuality is gross…. There’s no place for it in the church.” (”ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE”-ISH STATEMENT) But the bigger problem occurs after another alcohol-soaked bash, when Tyrie (LOVABLE ROOMMATE WITH SCARY, DRUNKEN ALTER EGO) yells at Davis (GAY ROOMMATE) for leaving a bar early (STUPID REASON), and it devolves into a screaming match. Things only gets worse when someone utters the N-word (INTENTIONALLY OFFENSIVE REMARK). Weepy lessons are learned about racism (SOCIAL ISSUE THAT LETS PRODUCERS RATIONALIZE THE SMUT), and it all makes you want to lock your children in the basement until they turn 30 (METHOD FOR STOPPING MTV FROM EVER GETTING THEIR HANDS ON YOUR KID).

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