Dalton Ross presents his New Year’s resolutions
Ah, 2006 — another year spent ignoring friends and family in pursuit of larger-than-life explosions on the big screen and second-rate reality shows on the small. But 2007 is gonna be different! It’s a brand-new year, which means a brand-new list of promises…to break. I figure if I make mine public, maybe I’ll stick with ‘em. Here, then, are my 2007 New Year’s resolutions:
I resolve to invent the world’s first ever Abdul-O-Matic — a machine that translates Paula Abdul’s nonsensical ramblings on American Idol into clear, easily digestible nuggets of wit and wisdom. I also resolve to cease petitioning the reality show to bring back one-season wonder Brian Dunkleman. That said, I do welcome your signatures and letters of support should I choose to take up the cause again in ‘08 — already shaping up as the ”Year of the Dunk!”
I resolve to stop sending George Lucas scripts for my incredible Star Wars spin-off franchise idea Look Who’s Talking… About the Force!, in which the thoughts of infant Luke and Leia are voiced by Bruce Willis and Roseanne Barr with hilarious, madcap results. (Sample dialogue — Leia: ”Hey, is that a lightsaber you’re packing, or are you just happy to see me? Woo-ha!”)
I resolve to no longer watch The View unless I’ve spent the previous evening downing shots with Clooney.
I resolve to continue floating Freaky Friday theories to explain why Prison Break has become a show about people not in prison, while Lost has become all about people confined behind bars. I also resolve to frame each and every one of the 10,000-word e-mails sure to clog my inbox from mobilized Lost fans explaining the ”mythology” behind Sawyer eating fish pellets.
I resolve to wear two pairs of underwear at all times, just in case I bump into Britney and she’s running low.
I resolve to buy both an HD-DVD and a Blu-ray player, lock them in a room, and see which one makes it out alive. I further resolve to film said battle and release it on video — format to be determined — under the title Ultimate Electronic Wars Gone Wild.
I resolve not to watch any new shows with numbers in the title, especially after this season’s crop of numerically themed programs. Studio 60 is filled with smug self-importance, The Nine started strong and faded fast, and the gimmicky Six Degrees — which didn’t even feature Kevin Bacon! — was one of the most maddening shows in recent memory. Add in House wannabe 3 Lbs. and NBC’s Twenty Good Years, and you’re still left with zero. Speaking of numerals, I resolve that I will no longer attempt to turn Numb3rs star David Krumholtz’s last name into a verb to signify someone using the awesome power of mathematic probability to their advantage. (Example: ”Dude, you totally Krumholtzed that train schedule!”)
I resolve to resist the urge to tell anyone that I still find myself whistling the melody to Martika’s ”Toy Soldiers,” and that… Wait, did I just…? Dammit!
I resolve to boycott lazy filmmaking, including any movies that are sequels, remakes, ”reimaginings,” adaptations of old TV shows, or involve sassy talking animals, which I guess means I won’t be going to see…anything! (On the upside, that’s $1,374 in popcorn savings alone.) I will also continue mulling over the fact that in the age of DVR, we are actually subjected to fewer ads on TV than in movie theaters. Plus, there’s no one telling us to turn off our freakin’ cell phones. You think I’m gonna risk missing a call from my boy Clooney? You have to be ready to roll on a moment’s notice, people.
OBSESSION OF THE WEEK
Survivor: Cook Islands may be over, but Parvati still has some fight left in her. I know this because I just watched her in the new Perfect 10 Model Boxing DVD. In it, Parvati ”Pit Bull” Shallow laces up the gloves and takes on Jenae ”Turbo” Noonan in a four round slut…sorry, slugfest. (Typo or slip? You be the judge.) The two women basically duke it out behind some mansion, complete with head gear and clear face masks — heaven forbid their faces get marked up at all. Of course, the real action occurs between rounds, when Parvati poses sexily while informing us that she is ”scrappy” and hates push-ups. She also talks about sportsmanship and the Perfect 10 code of conduct. ”What happens in the ring stays in the ring,” she explains. ”We can all get in the ring and rip each other apart and then go out to breakfast afterwards, go shopping, talk about boys.” Of course you can! By the way, did I mention that her last name is Shallow? Oh, c’mon — I kid ‘cause I love. Besides, what’s more embarrassing, appearing in a Perfect 10 Model Boxing DVD, or being the guy who watches it…in slow-motion? I think we all know the answer, so let’s just move on.
Top 5 Musical Acts Who Pretended to Be From Outer Space
Still not sure how they landed their spaceship inside a concert hall. Though they did often promise to ”tear the roof off the sucker.”
2. Lee ”Scratch” Perry
He claimed he was an alien. Then again, he also claimed that Island Records head honcho Chris Blackwell was a vampire, so…
3. David Bowie
Ziggy may have played guitar, but who knew people from Mars were so into makeup and ridiculous-looking mullets?
4. Sun Ra
The free-jazz great said he was from Saturn, where I can only assume he found his Intergalactic Myth Science Solar Arkestra.
5. Kool Keith
His Dr. Octagon was some sort of time-traveling sexual predator. Only slightly less frightening was his other alien character, Black Elvis.
I promised you guys a surprise in the new year, and although I usually excel at not living up to promises, I am going to deliver on this one. You EW subscribers may experience a bit of déjà vu on Friday (or whenever your letter carrier is kind enough to deliver your issue), because sitting there on the back page will be my ugly mug — or, more accurately, an illustrated version of my ugly mug (pictured). That’s because The Glutton is going into rotation in the back of the magazine along with my number one homie Stephen King, and super-smart guy (and former EW executive editor) Mark Harris. (Don’t worry, Dan Snierson’s genius Stupid Questions will still be appearing earlier in the magazine.) I wanted to give you guys an advance heads up because it is thanks to all of you and your feedback and support that this has happened. Whatever, this is getting awkward really quickly, but thanks again for showing up every week. And to those of you who don’t get EW…what the hell is wrong with you?!? Don’t worry, though, this extended weekly version of The Glutton — complete with Obsession of the Week and Reader Mail — will still be here at EW.com. You’ll also see that The List has been rechristened The Five. There are already plenty of other ”Lists” at the magazine (Hit List, Must List, etc…) so this makes it stand out a bit — hopefully not like the time I thought it would be cool to dye my hair bright orange. It wasn’t. On to the mailbag…
Just wanted to comment about Prince and the Super Bowl…I APPLAUD the NFL and CBS for making the decision to actually bring some CURRENT music to the most widely watched sporting event of the year! I think it is also about time that the world feel the power of funk! The only thing that would make it even more unpredictable is if George Clinton and the P-Funk Allstars were the opening act! Anyway, here’s to hoping it’s a GREAT SHOW! —Michele McCall
You know, Michele, I have long theorized that the world is a relatively funkless place, and that we need the word funk in as many band names (example: the Mother Funkers) and song titles (example: the Brothers Johnson’s ”Get The Funk Out My Face”) as possible. I once saw Prince play with Larry Graham (of Sly and the Family Stone and Graham Central Station), and it was truly out of control. Oh, and by the way, I realize I erred when I gave credit to Apollonia for singing credit on ”Erotic City” instead of Sheila E., but can you really blame me for having Apollonia constantly on my mind? Lake Minnetonka, baby!
Dalton, you the man! Even though it only got an honorable mention, I am beyond ecstatic to see someone else giving praise to the woefully unrecognized Brotherhood. Say what you want about its Sopranos/The Wire/Six Feet Under (etc) similarities; the writing, acting, and production values are so stellar one can easily forgive its (minor) shortcomings. To me, Annabeth Gish provided such a lived in performance as a desperate housewife struggling with blinding personal demons. I thought I was the only one who watched the show in the summer; once again, I thought I was the only one who bought the entire first season when it was released on DVD. But your honorable mention makes me grateful because now I know that I am not the only one out there to have experienced the magnificence that is Brotherhood. —Michael Clark
Michael, as far as I know, it is you, me, and about three other EW people when it comes to watching Brotherhood. The problem, I think, is that it is a slow burn. The show doesn’t immediately grab you right out of the gate, but if you give it a good 3 or 4 episodes, you’re hooked. I’m really looking forward to season 2 and recommend everyone check out the first season DVD set and see what you’re missing. And you’re right, Annabeth Gish is amazing in it.
My Holiday Wish: The return of The Glutton in January, will include a picture of Dalton just after having smoked crack, wearing a purple outfit (with or without ass), and trying to feed a piece of toast to his Mr. T doll. Happy New Year! —Caryn Rybarsyk
Always without ass, Caryn. Always.
I just don’t understand why so many people have not only jumped on the Heroes bandwagon (honorable mention on your list), but somehow have convinced themselves that it’s better than Lost (not on your list; therefore you think Heroes is better). Lost has stronger writing, stronger acting, stronger production values. Far stronger. I enjoy Heroes, but c’mon; it’s clearly benefiting because some people lack the patience to stick with Lost. —Andy Heuer
Sorry, Andy, but I think Heroes was definitely more intriguing this fall than Lost, and that is coming from a Lost fan who actually didn’t even like the Heroes pilot. However, I love what the NBC drama has done since then, especially with Hiro and Sylar. (Now if they could just do something about Milo’s hair.) As for Lost, I have by no means given up on the show. I think they had a bit of a bad run, but I also believe they are pretty aware of that and will get it back on course. At least I hope so.
I just wanted to state clearly: ”Thank the Good Lord that I have 2 boys!” I vow to never, ever again complain about the 4,000 superhero toys that adorn our home. If I had to deal with this whole princess mania, I might actually lose my mind. My sympathy is truly with you, Dalton, and all other princess-overdosed parents out there. I have also felt the financial pain of Disney merchandising. At Disney’s Jungle on Ice, a slush (WATER and FLAVOR, people!) in a character cup was $12. The matching spoon was $3. The next time I pay $15 for some flavored ice, there better be some rum in it, and a beach in sight! —Kari Peters
Okay, folks. Here’s the latest princess update. My daughter Violet got not one, not two, not three — but FOUR princess dress-up trunk gifts for Christmas. She changes ensembles not daily, but hourly, and said ensembles have lots of scary accessories like clip-on earrings and huge glass slippers that are six sizes too big and make her fall on her face every three minutes. Worst of all, she has recently accused me of not being ”princey” enough, whatever that means. But you know what? I would have been fine with all that if she hadn’t also recently uttered that other word that strikes terror into the hearts of parents everywhere: Barbie.
Have a suggestion to help get that damn Martika song out of my head? Wanna lay down some of your own new year’s resolutions? And on which side do you stand: Lost or Heroes? Send your questions, comments, and quibbles to firstname.lastname@example.org, or simply fill out the handy dandy form below. See ya next week!