Michael Slezak
January 23, 2007 AT 06:31 PM EST

8:29 a.m. I know most of you are probably watching Today‘s telecast on NBC (with EW’s dapper Dave Karger) — and that’s the smart move. But me? I’m gonna endure E!’s telecast, mostly so you don’t have to!

8:30 a.m. Giuliana DePandi gets through her introductory voiceover without saying anything ridonk. That may be the morning’s biggest surprise.

8:31 a.m. The term “kit and kaboodle” is uttered by Oscar analyst Leo Quiñones.

8:32 a.m. Giuliana declares that Meryl Streep “probably couldn’t spell Dolce & Gabbana before getting the script [for The Devil Wears Prada].” Like Giuliana could spell “Streep” before getting a job at E!

8:34 a.m. Ad break. Focus energies on shocking Children of Men nomination. It could happen!

8:35 a.m. Okay, it’s never gonna happen. But it SHOULD!

8:36 a.m. How many PopWatch comments will we get by 10 a.m. if someone utters “Beyoncé” at the podium this morning?

8:43 a.m. Holy Snapple! No Dreamgirls nomination!

8:44 a.m. Giuliana is shocked by the lack of love for Brad Pitt. Was he really that much of a shoo-in?

8:45 a.m. Leo stops mid-interview. Replaced by Salma Hayek. “So many Mexicans!” she declares, sounding a little choked-up.

8:46 a.m. How can anyone be that beautiful at 5:46 a.m.?

8:48 a.m. How does your life change as an Oscar nominee? Salma breaks it down: You’ve got to look at a lot of dresses.

8:49 a.m. Giuliana gets philosophical. “You always care so much about your friends,” she coos to Salma, “and it’s so refreshing and it’s very nice.” This telecast is officially Rated W…for Whatever!

8:50 a.m. Commercial break. Time to review the nominees. Leo for Blood Diamond, not for The Departed? No Damon or Nicholson? Is that a bad sign for The Departed‘s Best Picture hopes?

8:51 a.m. I wonder if Eddie Murphy has any idea he’d be an Oscar nominee when he signed on for Norbit. God, I hope not.

8:52 a.m. Giuliana declares that mounting an Oscar telecast is a “whirlwind of headaches and stress,” then asks producer Laura Ziskin, “Why do you do it?” She says something about the greatness of film and live TV, but I’m thinkin’ it’s the money.

8:57 a.m. Quiñones breathlessly declares that he just discovered Little Children‘s Jackie Earle Haley was “the stud in The Bad News Bears!” Dude, this isn’t breaking news.

8:59 a.m. More insight from Giuliana: “When [Whitaker] first comes out on the stage… and he says his first line, something like, ‘My people love Uganda,’ you go, ‘Oscar! Hello Oscar! At least Oscar nomination.'” Quiñones adds to the in-depth commentary: “The trembling in his face is just a-a-amazing.”

9:00 a.m. Not that I want E! to make their telecast longer than a half hour, but if all they’re gonna do is cut to a True Hollywood Story about 24, why not keep the Oscar nominations commentary and interviews going for another hour or two? And with all the money Seacrest makes from this channel, where the heck is he? I mean, not that I want more Seacrest, I’m just saying.

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