Scott Brown’s Hit List
1 Ricky Martin flips off Bush In Puerto Rico, locals tell me, this is a gesture of respect. And if it’s not, I am never going back there.
2 Flight attendant claims sex with Harry Potter villain Ralph Fiennes He was all like, ”Say my name!” and she was all like, ”He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!”
3 Donald Trump challenges Vince McMahon to wrestle Two great fakes who fake great together.
4 Beyoncé shocked news of her swimsuit-issue pics didn’t leak Maybe she should’ve taken out an ad on some celebutante’s panty-less inner thigh.
5 Michael Richards skips mock trial It’s a blow for mock trials, which haven’t had a success since Ms. Dix’s fifth graders got Eichmann off on a technicality.
6 Oscar producer wants fewer thank-yous To this end, the orchestra will be replaced with a howitzer.
7 Customs searches Sylvester Stallone’s jet, according to Aussie paper Found: suspiciously high levels of irony and nostalgia.
8 Vanessa Williams goes nude in Allure Whatevs. Anyone will get nude for Allure. But I only drop trou for ‘Redbook.’
9 Alleged Chinese Democracy track leaks Jesus, newly returned, says it’s ”not a revelation,” adding, ”See what I did there?”
10 The Fly to be an opera They say it’s aerodynamically impossible for Pavarotti to fly. But because he doesn’t know that…he soars.