Difficult to imagine a sourer take on nuptials than this season’s slice of ABC misery Big Day. But David E. Kelley has actually out-stupided that grating comedy with The Wedding Bells, about three sisters who are ritzy wedding planners — and whose last name is, get this, Bell.
The pun is the best thing about the Fox series, which unrolls with all the grim, predictable timing of an actual bad wedding. Here come the stock characters: Eldest sis Jane (Meet the Fockers’ Teri Polo) is so organized she plans sex with her husband; Annie (KaDee Strickland) is so repressed she’s ”afraid to feel”; Sammy (Sarah Jones) is a whore. Thanks for yet more awesome female characters, Mr. Kelley! Maybe Sally Heep, formerly of Kelley’s Boston Legal, can drop by so we have a dumb, inept girl, too. The men, in truth, fare little better. I regret to inform you that Costas Mandylor (Picket Fences) appears as a lascivious Greek chef who swears his sauce will ”explode in your mouth, like the org-e-asma.”
These vaguely humanesque creatures meet equally insipid dramas: A demanding bride-bitch must be put in her place; blondes with giant knockers run amok; Jane’s nerdy husband tells her off and she finds it sexy. Apparently anyone who is married, might get married, or knows someone who is married has the mental capacity of a mess of cherries jubilee. Wedding Bells’ pilot concludes with a bride literally catching fire, a suitably ugly ending for a truly grotesque show.