Last night’s edition of 60 Minutes featured an Anderson Cooper interview with Simon Cowell (click here to see it), during which the American Idol judge argued he’s worth five times more to his label, Sony BMG, than Bruce Springsteen. Which got us thinking what the conversation might sound like if Springsteen called up Cowell to discuss his inflammatory remarks.
Bruce: So I saw you trash-talked me on 60 Minutes last night.
Simon: Well, I didn’t mean to be rude, but…
Bruce: Look, I can take the heat, but this is the second time you’ve pulled this stunt in the last few weeks. I mean, saying Bob Dylan “bores you to tears” and that you wouldn’t want to have him singing on Idol!
Simon: But I wouldn’t! I don’t even think he should be singing on a cruise ship.
Bruce: C’mon, man, Dylan’s the best songwriter in rock. He’s the voice of a generation.
Simon: Well, he sounds like the voice of a tortured cat.
Bruce: Mister, you’re supposed to be the voice of reason on that panel. You can’t be serious, can you?
Simon: Hey, it got me press, didn’t it? Next, I think I’ll slag that wanker Paul McCartney.
Bruce: Well, it’s no skin off my nose, and probably no skin off Bob’s, either. But then you have to go beat up on hapless kids like Sanjaya Malakar.
Simon: Ohhh… so I see Mr. Songwriter of the People has been tuning in to Idol this season!
Bruce: Yeah, whatever. I DVR it, then fast-forward through to Melinda and LaKisha. Wanna make something of it?
Simon:I’m just saying… my reach is undeniable. Honestly, how can youdispute that Sony ought to be paying me five times what they pay you?
Bruce: Because you can’t even sing!
Simon: Yeah, but Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Chris Daughtry sure can.
Bruce: Doesn’t From Justin to Kelly cancel that out?
Simon: Clever, coming from the man who used a shot of his derriere to sell copies of Born in the USA.
Bruce: Yeah, well at least people bought it, unlike Cupid and American Inventor. Are your 15 minutes up yet?
Simon: You’re going to act highfalutin’ with me, after launching your career on General Hospital?
Bruce: For the love of all that’s holy, that was RICK FREAKIN’ SPRINGFIELD!
Simon: [Laughing maniacally.] I know, I know. I just wanted to see if I could get a rise, Brucey.
Bruce: That’d be the Boss to you.
Simon: Oh, I forgot you shared a nickname with Diana Ross.
Bruce: I am not trying to hear that from a guy who spends his days comparing musical notes with Paula Abdul.
Simon: Actually, if I’m being honest, “Straight Up” is a fantastic song.
Bruce: Fair enough. I’ve grooved out to that one on a couple of occasions.
Simon: Want to know a secret?
Simon: “Opposites Attract” is totally on my iPod.
Bruce: Mister, now you’ve gone too far. [Click.]
Simon: Bruce? Are you there? You’re not gonna tell anybody, are you? Bruce?