Whitney Pastorek
March 21, 2007 AT 07:55 PM EDT

Dear Television Networks,

I understand that you have a number of fine television programs to squeeze into the schedule each and every week. And I know that American Idol currently sits in the middle of that week like a giant inflatable rat blocking out the ratings sun. But there must be something that your smart, pretty programming execs can do to avoid the problem I am facing tonight, Wednesday, at 8 p.m.:How, I ask you, am I supposed to watch Survivor, Bones, Friday Night Lights, and America’s Next Top Model all at the same time?That’s horrible, Television Networks. Just mean.My master plan after the jump…

Because I am a professional, I understand that there are a couple of solutions here — and no, “watch less TV” is not one of them. Please, Television Networks. I can’t believe you would even suggest that.First, I am pretty sure I can set my DVR to record reruns of ANTM, thus catching its rerun later in the week (uh, you’re still doing that, right?); now I just have to remember to cancel the Wednesday recording every week. Okay. Check.That leaves me with three shows fighting for two spots. And here’s where it gets harder. Because neither Survivor nor Bones are available (legally) on the internets, to my knowledge, the obvious choice would be to cancel Friday Night Lights and watch it tomorrow morning on NBC’s website. But I shouldn’t have to do that, NBC, because FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS IS THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION AND IT OBVIOUSLY SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL! Argh.

Another solution: Watch FNL live, and use the VCR in my office to record either Bones — another excellent and underrated show, but one I no longer need to plug quite so vigorously because it’s already been picked up for next season — or Survivor. Except Bones is my favorite show at the moment (note: there is a difference between “best” show and “favorite” show, which I would attempt to explain to you but really, you don’t care and it’s better that way) and Survivor is a reality show whose castoff will be spoiled by tomorrow morning. Plus, who even remembers how VCRs work? Who can deal with all that whirring and clicking?

And so I guess my decision is made: TiVo Bones, Survivor; record ANTM whenever it gets rerun; watch FNL tomorrow morning on the Internet at work.I DO NOT LIKE THIS SOLUTION, TELEVISION NETWORKS. (And really, I’m looking at you, NBC. It’s like you’re not even trying.) Please do try and avoid this situation in the future. I do not need our relationship to become any more abusive than it already is.


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