There’s been a changing of the she-beast guard on The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. In: Desperate, clingy schoolteacher Amber (pictured, with Andy Baldwin), exactly the kind of woman who should be shaping young minds. Out: Wild-eyed organ donation coordinator Stephanie South Carolina.
the producers Andy had no choice but to boot the busty, gummy bachelorette whose unnatural fixation on scoring an engagement ring from a complete stranger ran second only to her gleeful disdain for her housemates — Amber in particular. “Amber has to be the center of attention all the time. Amber is very passive aggressive. Amber can’t make her own decisions. Amber’s insecure. Amber doesn’t have the self-confidence. She’s just not the right girl for Andy,” Stephanie S.C. seethed during her group-date confessional. Was I the only one worried she might sneak up behind Amber in a white, tiled bathroom and menace her with a kitchen knife? By the time Stephanie S.C. showed up to the rose ceremony in a brown handkerchief, beautifully slurring words like “nurturing,” it was clear we’d be missing out on a hometown visit that could shed some light on her stalker-y roots.
Not to worry, though, Andy’s still got Amber to fret over herbreath, her clothing, and every word that comes out of her mouth. “Whatif I say something wrong? I might not be getting a rose tonight!” sheexclaimed before their one-on-one date, which involved cheese fondue(mmmmm) and a hot-tub makeout session (opposite of mmmmm). For somereason, I was completely fixated on Amber’s French manicure for theduration of the date, perhaps as a way to distract myself from hermaddening repetition of the phrase, “I’m here for the right reasons.”
Naturally,the titular officer/gentleman is also there for the right reasons — ifby right reasons you mean to lock lips/emotionally toy with as manywomen as possible. Consider that in the course of a 90-minute episode —I would hate myself a lot less if it was 60 — Andy, in addition togetting his grope on with Amber, found time to:
- Carry crippled Bevin to his hotel suite, smooch her liberally, and ask her if she’d move to Hawaii to be with him.
- Tell Stephanie Kansas he wanted to meet her family.
- Kiss Danielle.
- Tell Tessa (my favorite among the women, just for the face she madeas Stephanie S.C. drew a heart in the frosted glass) about his growingaffection for her.
Which is just one more reason for non-competitive Tina to feelinsecure when Andy narrows the field to four next week. Time forgirlfriend to break out another rendition of “The Star-SpangledBanner,” yo!