Readers of this b-to-the-l-to-the-o-to-the-g (not to mention a certain vlog) know I have an ongoing obsession with all things Fergie. “Glamorous” ranks in the top 3 most played tracks on my iPod, I keep checking Billboard to see when “Big Girls Don’t Cry” will crack the top 50, and I may be the only person in America who wasn’t amused by Alanis Morissette’s “My Humps” parody. But sometimes, even the people we love get spinach in their teeth, and we have to tell them.
Fergie, you have spinach in your teeth.
And by spinach, I mean the carbon-copy cover of Heart’s “Barracuda” you recorded for the Shrek the Third soundtrack. (Click here to judge for yourself.) Your every intonation is so completely in sync with Ann Wilson’s original, that for a split second, I wondered if you recorded during a particularly serious night at a karaoke bar, or if perhaps AOL Music had goofed and posted a remastered edition of Heart’s ’70s classic. Yes, your voice is strong and clear, Fergie, but as the judges on American Idol always say, “You’ve got to make it your own!” Or, as my colleague Annie Barrett said to me after we finished rocking out to your version in my office (yeah, there was some head-banging going on, if you must know), “If Heart’s version didn’t exist, and I heard this, I’d enjoy it. But since that’s not the case, it makes you wonder why the Shrek folks didn’t just go with the real thing.” Now (and I say this with love), go floss your teeth.