Is there anything more thuddingly dull than a Bachelor season finale? Thank heavens for DVR rewind, because I actually began to doze off about an hour into the interminable conclusion of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. I guess when it comes to ABC’s seemingly indestructible dating franchise, I prefer the early weeks of sobbing, competitive bitchery to a 120-minute litany of earnest, moon-eyed, love declarations. In the final segment of the show alone — from the time Tessa (pictured, right) got out of the limo until the big proposal — Andy (center) unleashed a torrent of clichés, including: “wish come true,” “sky’s the limit,” “shoot for the stars,” “rollercoaster ride,” “beyond my wildest dreams,” and a double dose of “anything is possible.”
Which still wasn’t as big a turnoff as his decision to drop the “L-bomb” on his last dates with both Tessa and Bevin (left). Having (unfortunately) read a couple weeks ago about Tessa spoiling the finale beans, I was aghast to hear the “officer/gentleman” whisper, “I love you too, Bev,” after their screaming helicopter date. And how creepy was it to hear him insist, “I want to hear you say it” (for the camera), when Bevin showed the slightest reluctance to declare her feelings to him one last time? I guess in Andy’s mind, an “I love you, too” doesn’t mean nearly as much as an “I freakin’ love you!” — which he broke out after receiving a hideous photo collage from Tessa.
Thankfully, we had the home visit to entertain. It’s just a shameAndy’s grandparents weren’t introduced sooner. The only thing betterthan Grandpa Baldwin’s succinct assessment that Andy was “turned on byBevin!” was hearing Grandma Baldwin declare that, after 60 years ofmarriage, “I still like him!” (And maybe the family’s silent “Ba-Who?”reaction to Bevin’s Baha’i religious upbringing.) That said, I feltlike Grandma was pulling for Bevin, in spite of (or perhaps because of)her research on the topic of libido in menopausal women. “I don’t knowhow much the Baldwins talk about sex or libido or sexual dysfunction,”Bevin wondered nervously during her confessional.
But at least Bevin knew when to keep her mouth shut — refusing tolet Andy off the hook after he gave her the old “this is not arejection at all” heave-ho (no pun intended). Indeed, the only thingthat would’ve made Bevin’s freeze-out even more satisfying would’vebeen seeing her push Andy away, demand that he get his two-timing handsoff her, and then march to the limo on her own. I mean, she let dudecop a feel while he was supposed to be flying their chopper!
I wonder how Tessa is feeling now that she knows her man toyed andsmooched with Bevin mere days before he popped the question. And Iwonder if Bevin’s tears had dried on Andy’s shoulder before he got downon bended knee before Tessa. Sort of puts a damper on ABC’s relentlesspromos promising “the most romantic proposal ever.” Of course, as myfriend Joe points out, since that’s the way ABC hypes everyfinal rose ceremony, one has to wonder if somehow they think eachensuing incarnation is more romantic than infinity. Which kinda makesme flash back to Andy’s bizarre quote, “I just hope that I’ve made theright decision today for my future and for eternity.” Funny enough, inthe context of the Bachelor season, I actually think he might’ve. Just as long as there are no televised nuptials.