Michael Slezak
June 20, 2007 AT 12:00 PM EDT

You may have heard by now that the title of Christina Applegate’s new ABC sitcom has been changed from Sam I Am to Samantha Be Good — and the estate of Dr. Seuss is behind the old switcheroo! Apparently, Team Seuss didn’t want one of the all-time great lines from children’s fiction to become synonymous with a modern-day sitcom about a cranky lady suffering from amnesia. (Fair enough.) Anyhow, the whole back-and-forth between a powerful TV network and a mighty publishing dynasty inspired me to get my Seuss on — and tell the tale, Sam I Am–style. With much respect to the good Doctor, here goes nothin’… (after the jump)

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addCredit(“Byron Cohen”)

That Applegate!
That Applegate!
I do not like
that Applegate!

Do you like,
or think she’s great?

I do not like her,
Applegate.
In fact, the vibe
comes close to hate!

Did you like her
in Jesse?

I did not like her
in Jesse,
or Married With Children,
can’t you see?
I do not like
Miss Applegate.
In fact, she makes me
quite irate!

Did you like her
when on Friends?
She won an Emmy,
a perfect ten!

I did not like her
when on Friends!
The Emmys suck,
let’s not pretend.
Her Golden Globe nod
did offend.
Her People’s Choice?
A bitter end!
I do not like this Applegate.
Her use of Seuss, it must abate!

Are you sure? She’s quite a lamb!
Allow her sitcom, Sam I Am!

Not Sam I Am!
Not Hop on Pop!
Not Grinch or Lorax,
Or Fox in Socks!
She’ll change the title, or I’ll lie in wait
And her show will meet a heinous fate
Such blasphemy, I shan’t tolerate
I do not like this Applegate!

Y’know what? This rhyming business is exhausting. We’ll just go ahead and call it Samantha Be Good. Thanks for nothing! We’re outta here.

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