Don’t ever let anyone say I don’t care about you, PopWatch readers. Last night, I threw myself in front of a cinematic bullet for the sole purpose of making sure you’ll be fully informed as you stand around the water cooler and laugh with your friends about Lindsay Lohan’s deeply unpleasant new movie, I Know Who Killed Me. Sure, you’ve seen the trailer, and the spoofs of the trailer, but trust me, they can’t even begin to prepare you for this movie’s astronomical levels of jankitude.
Be warned: I am about to spoiler the bejeezus out of this dog, because you should not under any circumstance — not even in an ironic, ha-ha kind of way — see this revolting, amateurish movie. Not in theaters. Not on DVD. Not even on a 15-hour flight when you’ve finished a trifecta of InTouch, Us, and Star, and you don’t have anything better to do than close your eyes and feel enraged by that hyperactive toddler who keeps kicking the back of your seat. Seriously. I Know Who Killed Me is 105 minutes of your life you will never get back. It has five long scenes of featuring Lohan bound, gagged, and squealing in pain/terror, and three extended scenes of Lohan performing a lethargic striptease. Plus, I swear, 90 percent of the film’s props are a shade of blue: the roses Lindsay gets from her boyfriend, the gag the killer uses to suppress her screams, her shower scrunchie, her hospital sheets, her bedroom walls, her sweatpants, her MP3 player, the wrapper for the condom she uses with her boyfriend — all freakin’ blue.
Anyhow, if you want the low (and I do mean low) down on the entire craptacular, take the I Know Who Killed Me quiz — after the jump!
1. Lohan’s strip-club scenes are made all the more disturbing when:
(A) she lies on her back and forms a giant “V” with her legs
(B) she takes a skeezy patron’s cigarette, runs it along her thigh, thenreturns it to him so he can lazily run the length of it under his nose
(C) blood begins to drip down the pole she is in the process of “working”
(D) all of the above
2. During the film’s climactic moments, all of the following events occur except:
(A) A kindly owl guides Lohan’s character through the woods
(B) A jaunty possum distracts the killer from discovering Lohan’s character
(C) Lohan’s character makes a frantic 911 call
(D) Lohan’s character shatters a glass coffin with her prosthetic fist
3. A wave of nausea swept over me when:
(A) I finished a box of Cookie Dough Bites all by my lonesome
(B) Lohan’s “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)” began to play during a particularly dramatic scene
(C) the killer removed a block of ice from Lohan’s character’sblue-black hand, peeling off layers of skin, then began sawing off saiddigits with a blue-glass blade
(D) all of the above
4. Lohan’s character’s beloved pet is a:
(A) tutu-wearing pug
(B) pot-bellied pig
(C) hairless cat
(D) boa constrictor
5. At one point, Lohan’s character visits Ask.com and searches the term:
(A) “box-office poison”
(B) “Yale admissions forms”
(C) “bleeding wounds unexplained”
(D) “how to make an American quilt”
6. All of the following stars make surprising appearances in I Know Who Killed Me except:
(A) YouTube sensation Lonelygirl 15
(B) Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz
(C) My Name Is Earl’s Darnell (Eddie Steeples)
(D) 24’s President Charles Logan (Gregory Itzin)
7. Lohan’s character utters all of the following lines except:
(A) “I know who killed me!”
(B) “I always felt like half a person with half a soul.”
(C) “Daniel, I’m not Aubrey, I’m her twin!”
(D) “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
8. The film’s deranged killer bears an eerie resemblance to a member of:
(A) Blue Man Group
(B) Lost’s notorious band of “Others”
(D) The View’s “Hot Topics” panel
9. While washing her hair, Lohan’s character is shocked to discover that:
(A) the killer is standing next to the linen cabinet
(B) her finger has turned gangrenous and bloody
(C) she is not a natural brunette.
(D) Suave really does work as well as those expensive salon brands.
10. The film’s shocking twist is that:
(A) Lohan’s kidnapped character Aubrey has never actually escapedcaptivity, but has imagined a rich fantasy world of a character namedDakota to help her endure weeks of heinous torture.
(B) After escaping her captor, Lohan’s character Aubrey creates a secondpersona named Dakota to help relay to FBI investigators the details ofher weeks of heinous torture.
(C) Lohan’s kidnapped character Aubrey has a secret twin named Dakotawho experiences “psychic stigmata” — a phenomenon where Dakota’s ownappendages inexplicably fall off whenever the killer cuts off Aubrey’scorresponding limbs — and Dakota comes to this realization just intime to save the day.
(D) Lohan’s deranged character Aubrey creates a rich fantasy life whereshe envisions herself as a murder victim, when in actuality, she isreally the killer!
Answers: 1-D; 2-C; 3-C; 4-C; 5-C; 6-B; 7-D; 8-A; 9-B; 10-C