I’ll be honest: Up until today, I’d never even heard of Snow and the Seven. But all of a sudden, I’m seriously psyched for the upcoming film, which will be a live-action retelling of the Snow White tale. Not because of today’s news that Constantine helmer Francis Lawrence will be directing. (Can’t really imagine anyone getting too excited about that, aside from die-hard Keanu loyalists.) No, it was a fleeting detail in Variety’s report that caught my eye: The movie, it seems, “focuseson a British girl raised in 19th-century Hong Kong who realizes herdestiny is to conquer an evil force. She then prepares to fight bytraining with seven Shaolin monks.” Kung-fu clerics instead of whistling dwarfs — it’s sheer genius! And according to IMDb, none of Snow’s stars have been chosen yet.
Which brings me to my point. See, I’ve got a brilliant suggestion for those seven all-important roles. You heard it here first: Just cast the eight remaining members of the Wu-Tang Clan, who are currently getting ready to drop their first album since 2001.
Yes, yes, I know — eight rappers can’t play seven monks. This means some hard choices are ahead; sorry, Masta Killa, but you’re probably going to have to sit this one out. But otherwise, they’re perfect. Anyone who’s heard the Wu’s music knows how much they dig martial-arts mythology. They even refer to their home borough of Staten Island as “Shaolin” in homage to the supremely badass monastic order. The RZA and Method Man have already shown off their acting chops in such fine films as Derailed and How High, respectively, and rumor has it Ghostface Killah turns up in the new Iron Man. The rest of the Clan should have no problem kicking knowledge to a princess on the big screen. And if the producers want to go traditional and surround their Snow with seven Shaolin dwarfs, no problem — picture a tiny little digitally-shrunken Raekwon, like the elfin Ludacris in that Fred Claus trailer. (No kidding — check him out around the 1:38 mark.) Instant cinematic gold, I’m telling you.
So, anyway, PopWatchers, who’s with me?