Okay, I’ve never been the world’s biggest Carrie Underwood fan. I railed against her throughout American Idol‘s fourth season — mainly because I didn’t think robots belonged in the competition — and her first post-Idol single, “Jesus Take the Wheel,” was the kind of dreary pabulum that only reinforced my negative view. But then something surprising happened. Late last year, I succumbed to the saucy charms of Underwood’s ubiquitous crossover hit “Before He Cheats.” And during the Grammy Awards in February, her covers of “Desperado” and “San Antonio Rose” got me wondering: Could I have been wrong about her all along?
Sad to say, but based on “So Small,” the lead single from Underwood’s upcoming sophomore set, it looks like the answer is a resounding “No.” (Click here to check it out at AOL Music.) Bad enough that the track is delivered in a deafening screech, but the lyrics (co-written by Underwood herself) make “This Is My Now” sound poetic. “Let the light shine through”? “Love is all that matters”? “Better make it count”? “Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand”? Oh hell no, Carrie. This can only be handled one way: In the form of a lyrical response — set to the tune of “Jesus Take the Wheel.”
She was writin’ song lyrics on her way to Oklahoma
On her tour bus for ten days
Her laptop bookmark set to good ole’ Google
For a search of handy clichés
Fifty miles to go and she was searchin’ for
A word that rhymed with “pink”
What about “kitchen sink”?
She had a lot on her mind, she was really concentratin’
She was scribblin’ way too fast
Before she knew it she’d slipped into a sea of jank bombast
Her career flashed before her eyes
She didn’t even have time to cry
She was so scared, she threw her notebook in the air
Jesus take the pen!
Take it from her hand!
‘Cause writing’s really not her thing
Just let it go
Give Diane Warren a chance
Save her from a sophomore slump
Jesus take the pen