Hey, Henry! Heard about your birth today. And normally I wouldn’t think of exposing a defenseless infant to the merciless snark of a daily pop-culture blog, but, well, I just had to say something. Thing is, your dad’s got a bit of a reputation for being uptight about some things. Reeeeally uptight. You’re probably in for a lot of conversations like this:
Lil’ Henry White: Hey, Dad, can I wear this cool t-shirt to school today?
Papa Jack White: Let me think about this. Is it a red shirt?
Hank: [shakes head]
Jack: Is it a white shirt?
Jack: [sighs] Well, is it a black shirt, then?
Hank: …It’s forest green.
Jack: THEN, NO, FOR THE 10,000TH TIME, YOU CANNOT WEAR THAT T-SHIRT!
What I’m trying to say is, it ain’t easy being raised by an obsessive-compulsive musical genius. Also, that woman is totally not your aunt.
There is one ray of hope: At least your parents didn’t saddle you with a creepy color-coded name, like your big sister Scarlett T. White. (I guess “Redd Foxx White” wasn’t an option?) So forget I said anything!