Overheard on the CSI: Miami set (in my mind): A conversation between star David Caruso (pictured), who has not scored a single Emmy nomination during the show’s five-season run (although he got one for NYPD Blue back in 1994), and executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
Bruckheimer: David, how are you doing? Have you recovered from your Emmy snub?
Caruso: I’m doing okay, Jerry. Thanks for asking.
Bruckheimer: Don’t mention it.
Caruso: Now that you bring it up, though, Jerry, I’ve been doing some soul-searching. Trying to figure out how Emmy voters manage to overlook me year after year after year.
Bruckheimer: I know! It doesn’t make sense.
Caruso: [Putting on shades.] Or… does it?
Caruso: Here’s the thing, boss. I think we need to do… a very special episode
Bruckheimer: Nice! Like a crossover with The Unit?
Caruso: Not exactly, Jerry. Not exactly.
Bruckheimer: So what are you thinking?
Caruso: Picture this: The episode opens, and I’m crouched low, looking meaningfully into the eyes of a little girl, maybe five, six years old. Her stripper mother lies dead in a pool of blood in the background. I put my hand on her shoulder and say, “Young lady, we’re going to find the monsters who did this to your mommy.” And she says, “Monsters? You mean like the boogie man in the basement?” And then I say, “Yes, sweetheart, but this time… [Taking off shades.] … he’s got nowhere to hide.”
Bruckheimer: Okay, but what makes that different from the seven-other kid-centric episodes we did last season?
Caruso: Ah, but wait, Jerry. Here’s where it gets interesting.
Bruckheimer: Okay, I’m listening.
Caruso: This time, instead of passing off the child to the nice peopleat social services, I decide the only way to protect her is to keep herby my side at all times. So she shadows me through the whole episode.Almost like “take your daughter to work day.”
Bruckheimer: Or “take the traumatized child to work day,” if you will.
Caruso: YES! First, I can take her to her mother’s autopsy. But itwon’t scar her for life, because as Khandi Alexander cuts into thecorpse, she’ll refer to it as “sweetheart,” “baby,” and other variousterms of endearment.
Bruckheimer: Then what?
Caruso: Then, we’ll drop by the ballistics lab, where we’ll outfit thelittle girl with a pair of pint-sized, protective headphones, whileEmily Procter fires a few rounds into a wall, to test the bulletstriations. Maybe we’ll let the kid fire a couple shots, lighten themood a little.
Bruckheimer: Okay, go on…
Caruso: Finally, we’ll find some excuse for Adam Rodriguez to take offhis shirt and dive into a local lagoon, to retrieve some evidence, or something.
Bruckheimer: Of course.
Caruso: And then at the very end, the killer will somehow get his handson the little girl, use her as a human shield in a showdown with theentire force. And that’s where I’ll get to give a big, impassionedmonologue about a child’s innocence and the fleeting nature of life.
Bruckheimer: Before blowing the perp’s head off?
Caruso: Either that, or I’ll follow the perp to Rio!
Bruckheimer: Viewers love it when you go to Brazil.
Caruso: I KNOW!
Bruckheimer: There’s just one thing I’m not getting.
Caruso: What’s that?
Bruckheimer: Well, if it’s a very special episode, shouldn’t there be some pyrotechnics? At least one big explosion?
Caruso: Oh, there’ll be an explosion all right… [Putting on shades.] … an explosion of emotions.
Bruckheimer: Oh, David, I smell a ratings bonanza.
Caruso: And I… I smell an Emmy.