So TV Guide Network just announced their newest red-carpet reporter: Someone who’s got “high energy,” according to the network chief. Someone, he says, who’s “white-hot.” Someone who’s…Joey Fatone?! Really? Luckily, PopWatch’s crack red-carpet-reporter reporting team got its hands on a top-secret internal memo explaining the nefarious conspiracy behind this turn of events—and this one goes straight to the top.
FROM: Rupert Murdoch
TO: All News Corp. employees
RE: The Fatone question
By now, you will have heard of Joseph A. Fatone, Jr.’s selection as the full-time red-carpet reporter for TV Guide Network, News Corp.’s sometime corporate partner. Know two things: First, I ordered this move myself. And when I did, I anticipated that it might cause some considerable consternation. (As I write, I’m sure, some sarcastic pop-culture blogger is already mocking Fatone’s hiring—perhaps even finding a far-fetched way to draw me into it.)
But let them carp all they like. For starters, “Bye Bye Bye” is, like, my all-time favorite song. What’s more, Fatone’s new role will play an instrumental part in an ambitious inter-network plan I developed some time ago. Viz., Fox is shooting a second season of Anchorwoman! You know, that new reality show about the Texas TV news crew that hires a model who’s woefully incapable of doing the job? I was pretty proud of my underlings for coming up with that one, but it’ll be even better next year, once we get some footage of Fatone on the red carpet. People just can’t get enough of that lovable lunk. Picture him huffing and puffing as he chases down actual celebrities to ask them idiotic questions—the worse he does, the funnier it’ll be. We’ve even got a new title for the next season: Anchorman! (I’m told there may be some trademark complications; legal is looking into it.)
So when you or any of your employees see Fatone covering an event, please make life as difficult as possible for him. Refuse to answer his questions; scream insults at him; whatever it is, make him look like a fool. Our ratings, your stock options—and possibly the lives of your first-born—depend on it.
And if you think this is going to make for good TV, just wait for our third-season concept. Vanessa Minnillo. Hosting the Oscars. See? I really am evil!