Six fun ways to survive the dregs of summer TV
It’s the end of summer. You should be reveling in your final days of long weekends, strolls on the beach, romantic candlelit dinners under a massive full moon…. I’m not exactly sure how and why this column just turned into a Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan movie, but the point is, you should be happy. But you’re not, are you? That’s because we’re entertainment junkies, and the end of August is one big withdrawal spell. Your new movie options basically consist of Samuel L. Jackson pretending to be a homeless guy pretending to be a championship boxer, or something called Balls of Fury. Meanwhile, your TV choices boil down to David Duchovny throwing himself an invitation-only pity party and a wrestler moonlighting as a newscaster (wait, scratch that — Anchorwoman got canceled already). Music, you ask? Well, this week offered us such gems as the oxymoronic Ringo Starr best-of collection, as well as the Scorpions and American Idol reject Carmen Rasmusen (unfortunately, not together). But fret not, I got your fix right here — a list of activities to keep you feelin’ groovy until we all overdose on the new crop of upcoming movie, TV, and music offerings of the fall. Here’s six surefire ways to pass the time.
· Get your local video store to hold a midnight Friday Night Lights DVD-release party so you can honor one of the finest seasons in TV history. Then apologize to the store manager for the fact that no one else showed up while explaining that the set actually came out a week ago and that you were also lying about Harry Potter being the Dillon Panthers’ second-string QB.
· While you’re hiding from the manager at the midnight FNL DVD-release party, also pick up Showtime’s Brotherhood, which actually does feature someone from Harry Potter — Lucius Malfoy (a.k.a. Jason Isaacs). Spend hours trying to convince everyone how gripping it is, and to tune in when it returns Sept. 30. Receive blank stares in return.
· Persuade the 1977 lineup of the Doobie Brothers to reunite, and then strap a tape recorder roughly the size of Texas to your belt as you attempt to bootleg their concert. Watch the show come to a full stop when your recorder flies to the floor after ”Takin’ It to the Streets,” revealing your insidious plot to a stunned band and audience. Stand tall in your stylish red beret, knowing that you have single-handedly just brought the second most awesome episode of What's Happening!! back to glorious life. Next up: the time Rerun joined a lettuce-worshipping cult.
· Go Jenny Craig crazy as you watch Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley contract and expand while you rapidly shift the aspect ratio on your high-definition TV between standard size and wide screen. Warning: Results not typical.
· Be a good Samaritan. Do one of the following for a celebrity in need: (1) Stage a Crappy Movie Intervention for Daddy Day Camp’s Cuba Gooding Jr. (2) Allow shunned Van Halen member Michael Anthony to relive past glory by rigging a wire contraption in your backyard so he can fly across with his Jack Daniel’s bass to the sweet sounds of ”Panama” anytime he’s feeling a little blue. (3) Buy Foxy Brown a new BlackBerry with a service plan that covers for loss or damages incurred while being used to (”allegedly”) whack a neighbor upside the head. Upon presenting, ask Foxy if she has any idea why What’s Happening!! ends in two exclamation points instead of a single question mark. Shield face.
· Go in the basement. Plug in a guitar. Record a few songs. Release it under the title Chinese Democracy. Make millions.
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