TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best | EW.com

TV

TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

TV's funniest lines from September 4 to 10. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

”Now that I’m on The View and everybody else seems to be so perky, I just feel like it’s time for me to lift and separate the girls.”
WHOOPI GOLDBERG, DURING A ”FIND THE PERFECT BRA” SEGMENT, ON THE VIEW

”You won’t be single much longer.”
ELLEN DEGENERES TO GUEST DANIEL RADCLIFFE, AFTER HE DEMONSTRATED SOME TONGUE TRICKS, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW

”This is a shame. Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal has filed for divorce from his wife of five years. Shaq has asked to be awarded sole possession of the couple’s house but has generously offered to let his wife live in one of his shoes.”
JIMMY KIMMEL ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!

”It’s back to school today. Anybody here go back to school today? It’s tough because I had to take my son back to school today, and I walk him right in the door of the school and the teacher is there and she says, ‘It’s so nice to see the grandparents involved.”’
DAVID LETTERMAN ON LATE SHOW

”Seriously, I have never wanted to stab myself in the eye more.”
LAUREN, AFTER HER DATE TOLD HER HE CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER, ON THE HILLS

”I’ve always been into eating. I grew up eating.”
HUNG, EXPLAINING HIS QUALIFICATIONS, ON TOP CHEF

Sound Bites Poll