Michael Slezak
September 16, 2007 AT 12:00 PM EDT

6:08 p.m. Alrighty, P-Dubs. Just some light blogging for the first hour of red-carpet, since I’m trying to eat dinner, pray for Vanessa (L. Yeah) Williams, and save my strength for four straight hours of furious typing.

6:11 p.m. If Ryan Seacrest’s idea of comedy involves forcing Ali Larter to relive her whipped-cream bikini scene from Varsity Blues live on the red-carpet, we’re in for a long night.

6:23 p.m. Salient point from Jon Stewart, trying to calm Seacrest’s nerves about hosting duties. Even though pundits act as though “if this doesn’t go well, people will die,” rest assured, the Emmys will be back next year, no matter what happens.

6:26 p.m. Seacrest re. Sesame Street‘s Elmo: “He makes me seem bigger and more masculine.” Y’know, that’s not half bad.

6:30 p.m. America Ferrera has a list of folks she doesn’t want to forget to thank if she scores an Emmy. Which is totally sweet. But seriously, nobody wants to hear lists. I mean, nobody.

addCredit(“Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic: Dan Tuffs/Getty Images”)

6:33 p.m. How genius that Seacrest doesn’t recognize Kathy Griffin’s date, Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak? (Not until some producer barks it into his earpiece anyway.)

6:34 p.m. Kinda touching the way Griffin sweetly wishes Seacrest well on his Emmy hosting gig. “It’s gonna hurt my fans,” she says, before noting she hopes he does “something hideous” she can dish during her next standup gig. Now that’s more like it.

6:42 p.m. I don’t know why people have an irrational hatred for Eva Longoria. How can you not love a woman who freely admits she can’t pronounce the name of the church where she got married? And no, I’m not being snarky. I seriously die inside anytime anyone asks me to pronounce something in French. Saint Germain L’Audxerrois? Seriously? Let’s just say I don’t like to see D and X that close together unless they’ve got an M in between ’em.

6:47 p.m. My husband is threatening to stab himself in the eye with a blunt object if I don’t mute Giuliana’s explosively inane interview with Kate Walsh.

6:52 p.m. Hey, P-Dubs! If you live in Los Angeles, can use the word “fabulous,” and are able to identify the color of various Emmy gowns, then could you please run down to the Shrine and take that mic away from Kimora Lee Simmons?

6:57 p.m. I love the way Ellen calls out Giuliana for the way E! is “cutting away to other people while you’re talking to us!” Apparently she’s not aware of E!’s policy on women who wear pants on the red carpet.

6:59 p.m. Stephen Colbert, describing his wife’s gown: “It’s a gathered bodice. And I’m straight.” I’m not sure the hostbot understands his sophisticated brand of comedy.

7:04 p.m. Following up on Steve Carell’s comment that money has made him evil, Giuliana asks for specifics. “We don’t have any more cats in the neighborhood,” says wife Nancy Walls. Someone get this woman her own sitcom already!

7:07 p.m. When did E!’s Kristen Veitch start channeling Dancing With the Starsbot Samantha Harris? I mean, she wants to “make out with” Joely Fisher’s earrings?

7:11 p.m. Is anyone going to wear anything crazy beautiful? These people should’ve invited Bjork. And Celine Dion.

7:18 p.m. Anyone notice no matter what a celebrity says, Giuliana responds, “I love it”? But does she, really?

7:20 p.m. True confessions time: I just shouted a delighted expletive re. Vanessa L. Yeah’s glorious, minty feathered gown. Whether or not she takes home a trophy tonight, she is officially a winner.

7:21 p.m. As the world’s biggest Vanessa Williams fan, I can comfortably say, I’d be okay if Jenna Fisher took home that Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy. But only okay. Now go ahead and let me have it, Office-philes.

7:24 p.m. Did Giuliana just gesture at L. Yeah when she said paparazzi? And how did she get through the entire interview without saying “Wilhelmina Slaaaay-taaah”?

7:25 p.m. “Stars, stars arriving in cars,” Giuliana declares. Way to take it to the break!

7:27 p.m. Giuliana promises “pretty interesting things” with Sandra Oh during the ad-break tease. Well there’s a reason not to switch over to Fox!

7:31 p.m. Now E!’s Kristin wants to make out with Neil Patrick Harris. Anyone want to start a tally of  her “make outs” vs. Giuliana’s “love its”?

7:33 p.m. I’m hitting mute and imagining Heidi Klum chirping the phrase “six-teen cone-testants!” Why is she putting a bra on a dude?

7:37 p.m. Rebecca Romijn got stung by a bee playing badminton before eating cheeseburgers this morning. How much more fun is she than Jaime “cabbage detox diet” Pressly?

7:38 p.m. Note to Mary Louise Parker: If you’re gonna submit to the E! live interview, don’t act all appalled when Giuliana asks asinine questions like whether you’re wearing a corset or Spanx under your gown. That is all.

7:40 p.m. Debated making a note of this, but what the hey? Jerry O’Connell: Bright red!

7:41 p.m. My summary of this interminable Katherine Heigl interview: wedding, swoon, food, no eyeliner, “we just did the really red lips.” I don’t really think I left much out, did I?

7:43 p.m. Was that Xtina on the red carpet? Because I’m a dood and I have a bigger baby bump than that.

7:46 p.m. I betcha Ellen Pompeo’s hair can bench-press more than me.

7:48 p.m. And if Giuliana asks Ellen one more question about her wedding plans, that bouffant is totally gonna punch her in the throat.

7:49 p.m. According to Charlie Sheen, “There’s no best, just different.” I disagree! Especially when it comes to all the unkempt hair in the house. I mean, don’t folks like Kate Walsh, Heidi Klum, and Charlie himself pay people to run combs and brushes though those dilapidated nests?

7:55 p.m. So Randy Jackson’s getting facial-hair tips from Daughtry now?

7:56 p.m. Simon Cowell has “no idea who anyone is anymore.” Grampa is three years away from ripping open a Golden Globes envelope and cackling “Glaaaadiataaah!”

7:58 p.m. Kimora is listing her colors again. Do you think E! actually pays her for this?

7:59 p.m. Kanye won’t say what he’s doing. Bets on an Urkel impersonation?

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