Dalton reveals his wife’s new TV crush
Good news, Glutton readers! You may recall a while back I wrote about my wife’s annoying obsession with Hugh Grant. Anytime some stupid romantic comedy of his came on, I would look over and catch her giggling like a little schoolgirl. I don’t know if it was his accent, mussed hair, or lovable-rogue personality, but it was obvious she was smitten, even though she denied it (and continues to deny it). Well, the good news is…the Hugh Grant era (or error, as it were) is now officially over! He’s done. History. No longer will I be dragged to crappy movies like Music and Lyrics. And for that, I am happy.
But if you thought that Hugh Grant had been shown the exit door due to my wife realizing she has the perfect man already at her side, you would be wrong. So wrong. No, you see, Christina has found a new crush on which to unleash her inner giddy, and frankly, I’m embarrassed to even reveal who it is. Although really, I shouldn’t be, because chances are you’ve never heard of him. Hell, even as I type this up, I don’t even have a clue as to what the dude’s actual name is. Wait…let me look it up. Okay, it’s Scott M. Foster. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? Well, Scott M. Foster (the M. is for Michael) stars in the ABC Family dramedy Greek, playing a character named — and I’m not making this up, here — Cappie.
Now, look, I am not necessarily opposed to my significant other having a harmless TV crush, even if she gives me the third degree any time I even mention a moderately attractive actress’ name. (Don’t believe me? Read what happened when we tried to watch Age of Love together.) But there are a few things troubling me about this latest object of her affection:
1. He’s, like, 12. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but he’s playing a college student. Now, I will not make the fatal flaw of revealing my wife’s age, but let’s just say that neither of us are exactly in college. Going all googly-eyed over a college boy could be construed as a bit creepy. That’s not to say that some of the college girl characters here aren’t easy on the eyes — I’m just too smart to say which ones.
2. This Cappie clown is nothing new. His character is another one of those charming, witty slackers that we’ve seen in movies and TV shows a million times before. Unfortunately, my wife has not watched any of these movies or shows before, so to her, this pale imitation is the most original thing ever. I tried my best to discredit the character, explaining that Cappie was merely a rip-off of Jeremy Piven in PCU, which was in turn a rip-off of Chevy Chase in Caddyshack (the funniest movie ever, incidentally), which was in turn a rip-off of Tim Matheson in Animal House, but this plan backfired when she told me that (a) She didn’t care, and that (b) It was pathetic that I was wasting energy debunking a character on an ABC Family show for teens.
3. I brought this on myself. Had I not brought home a DVD of the pilot episode home for us to watch together, I could have avoided this mess in the first place. I should have learned from my Friday Night Lights experience, where I got her into the show only to discover that she melted like butter whenever bad boy Tim Riggins stumbled drunkenly onto the screen.
Truth be told, I find Greek mildly amusing. Perhaps I’m just intimidated by Cappie and his hipster haircut and the way he so effortlessly majors in the political science of partying down. Maybe I long for my inner Cappie, which drowned in a sea of mortgage payments and disposable diapers years ago. Who knows? But I do know this: There is a silver lining. As of last week, Greek is over! At least the first season is. So unless she insists on watching reruns (and Lord, I hope she is not that desperate), we’ll at least have a few months of Cappie-free bliss in the house before the show returns for season 2.
NEXT PAGE: Dalton’s Obsession with The Simpsons Testify CD