Pamela Anderson: Gianfranco Calcagno/FilmMagic.com
Dalton Ross
October 04, 2007 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Pam and Rick: Porn for each other?

We often talk about couples that were simply meant to be together, but perhaps never has that been more true than of the latest tabloid celebrity engagement between Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon. Apparently seeking to consolidate power in the topsy-turvy world of celebrity porn, Anderson and Salomon are on their way to the altar. Never have two titans of the same industry joined forces like this. Sure, The WB and UPN became The CW, but, frankly, they were The WB and UPN. And there’s some sort of Sirius and XM merger going on, but I can barely spell satellite radio much less understand the implications of their union. With apologies to Rob Lowe, Fred Durst, Jenna from the first season of Survivor, and other pretenders to the crown, Anderson (with Tommy Lee) and Salomon (with Paris Hilton) starred in the most talked about celebrity porn tapes of the past 20 years, which is to say, ever. So their pairing makes complete sense. However, there are a few things I have to wonder about this union.

1) Did they first meet because they admired each other’s ”work?”
You often hear about this in celebrity circles — actors and actresses who see each other in stuff and have their agents help set them up on dates. There’s no reason to assume this sort of behavior does not extend into the world of pornography. In fact, one would have to figure that it happens even more often considering the ”stuff” the people are starring in. At the very least I would have to guess that the two did a little ”research” on each other before hooking up.

2) Do they argue over whose porno is better?
Lord, I hope not, but honestly it is no contest. Anderson and Lee just put so much more effort into her tape. It was shot entirely ”on location” (on both land and sea), contained elements of humor (Lee using Little Tommy to honk the boat horn), and featured lighting far superior than on the Blair Witch-esque night cam employed by Salomon and Hilton. Still, never underestimate the power of a clever title when it comes to porn (The Sperminator remains one of my personal favorites), and Salomon definitely wins points for One Night in Paris — both catchy and accurate.

3) Will they put out the porno to end all porno?
They conquered the Internet and DVD without each other, so imagine what they can accomplish together! True, one could argue that Paris was the real star of One Night in Paris, not Salomon, but it’s not like the dude was a mere bystander or anything. He had a job to do, and by golly he did it. And while Tommy Lee certainly brought a lot to his role in the other porn film (and I do mean a lot), Pamela was clearly the higher wattage star when that came out. Putting Salomon and Anderson together in an adult movie is a marketing bonanza just waiting to happen. And we most likely won’t have to wait long. After all, you just know they’re not going to be able to resist videotaping themselves on the Honeymoon.

4) And finally… How long until Tommy Lee and Paris Hilton get engaged?
They always say the best sex is revenge sex, right? Well, set up a video camera and let’s find out!

NEXT PAGE: Obsession of the Week and The Five

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK
I have some Irish in me, and I’m married to a woman with the last name of Kelly, but I don’t really latch on much to Irish culture, customs, or cabbage. (Especially the cabbage — yuck!) But I always have had an affinity for bagpipes. It extends all the way back to the Big Country anthem ”In a Big Country.” Now, Big Country were from Scotland, not Ireland, and I’m pretty sure this particular song featured bagpipe-sounding guitars as opposed to actual bagpipes, but the point is — both were close enough for my taste. (I also was a big fan of Echo and The Bunnymen’s ”The Cutter.” This song, I believe, used actual bagpipes, but they also weren’t Irish. Oh well.) In any event, I’ve had a soft spot for the funny looking instrument ever since. My wife and I even had a drunk bagpiper lead a procession from the church to reception hall when we got married. How do I know he was drunk? The cans of beer at his feet were a bit of tip-off. This all brings me to Boston’s Dropkick Murphys, who have been known to bust out the pipe from time to time. You may be familiar with them from their song in The Departed. Or you may be familiar with them while getting kicked in the head while surfing the mosh pit at one of their shows. Or you simply may not be familiar with them. Well, they released their latest CD, The Meanest of Times a few weeks back. It’s not their best, but their not-best is still good enough for me. So if you like punk, Irish music, and, most importantly, bagpipes, then check it out. And just in case you’re on the fence, let me leave you with this piece of information: Their bagpipe player is named Scruffy.

THE FIVE

Head on over to our video area to check out The Five Guys On TV Who Make Dalton’s Wife Swoon

READER MAIL

Us EW types first saw most of the TV pilots last May and have worn ourselves out arguing about them, so one of the nice things about them finally making it to air is we can sit back and watch you all argue amongst yourselves! What’s good? What’s bad? It’s all often a matter of opinion, which is crystal clear judging by the reader reactions to last week’s column on the first cancellation of the season. Also, some thoughts on embarrassing reality TV and how much we love to hate it. On to the mailbag…

Hopefully, the first cancellation should be Life, which was terrible. Unpleasant leading character; I had a hard time spending an hour in his presence. What was NBC thinking? This show should get the Smith treatment. Two weeks and out. — Jim Mattes

Hi, Jim. Great to hear your thoughts on the new NBC drama Life. Now, allow me to introduce you to Melissa Lenhardt…

I just read your column in the magazine I hope you’re wrong about Life. Of the new dramas I’ve watched (Journeyman, Bionic Woman and Life) it was far and away my favorite. Which of course means it’ll get cancelled. Happened to me last year with The Nine. For my money, Life should have been getting the publicity that Bionic Woman received. Journeyman was nice but it made me long for the simple days when explanations were upfront and easy (Quantum Leap) instead of shrouded in mystery. Here’s hoping that Fox doesn’t pull the plug on Back to You. Great, traditional comedy. Loved it. — Melissa Lenhardt

You know, we have quite a bit of Jims and Melissas in our office as well. Some people really found Life and its quirky cop endearing, while others were simply annoyed by the whole thing. I really thought the show would get swallowed up by CSI:NY and Dirty Sexy Money, but it performed respectably with just under 10 million viewers. Now we’ll see how it holds up in week two. But here’s a perfect example of how two people can see the same show so differently. Want another one? Remember how much Melissa loves Back to You? Well, Melissa, now I’d like you to meet one Carrie Parker…

I have another pick for a soon-to-be-cancelled show: Back to You. Let me preface this by saying that I love Kelsey Grammer. I watch Lifetime reruns of Frasier for the man. Yes, Lifetime. However, I can’t stomach Back to You. Now that I’ve watched the first two episodes, I feel Grammer himself can’t ask me to watch anymore of this unfunny, all-too-familiar banter. We’ll see if FOX gives it half a season. — Carrie Parker

Sorry, I’m with Melissa on this one. I think Back to You is pretty funny. We all know Grammer, Patricia Heaton, and Fred Willard are total pros, but the supporting cast (including Ty Burrell as a disgruntled field reporter) are also top notch. Yes, some of the scenarios are a bit hammy and predictable, but in this era of quick cut, single camera hipster comedy, they are somewhat refreshing as well. I actually thought Back to You would do a lot better in the ratings than it has, but Fox is such a weird network for this show. Put this on CBS on Monday nights and I bet it cleans up.

NEXT PAGE: More Reader mail

I have two reality shows that I am ashamed to have stuck with and watched all the way until the end. First, we have Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska. Even worse, I rewatched it in marathon form on the Reality TV Channel. Sad. The second show that I could not stop myself from watching is My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. Not only will I never get those wasted hours back, I think this show also took years off the end of my life as well. Next time they create a life expectancy quiz, scientists should seriously consider adding a question for reality television. If you watch the Amazing Race or Survivor, it might be a wash, but one too many Joe Millionaire‘s might cost you 6 months. — Cecily Thorne

Cecily, I can’t tell you how close Bachelorettes in Alaska came to making this list. I watched every single second of that stupid show, even when Rebekah and those other desperate women were standing in their bridal gowns on a dock waiting to see if there Alaskan hunks would ever show up. How humiliating was that? However, even I drew the line at My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. Here’s the question though: That program was canceled with 5 episodes remaining, that were then shown online. Did you or did you not go to fox.com to watch the remainder of the series? If you did, then you have earned a special Glutton gold star.

I, like you, have seen way too many reality shows that probably should not be mentioned. Forever Eden – I agree – pure garbage – did they ever get out of there? They burnt their passports, and then it got cancelled – those crazy kids are probably still trapped in paradise. However, I am a little peeved about your dismissal of Celebrity Mole: Yucatan. Okay, so the celebrities were pretty crappy, but I’ve never seen a reality show as entertaining as the Mole. Let’s start a petition to bring it back – you think Anderson Cooper will pass up his cushy job at CNN to return as host? I think he might. I think he just might. — Julia Manina

Don’t bet on it, Julia. Anderson Cooper had to leave the ABC News division to host The Mole (unlike Julie Chen who was allowed by CBS to pull double duty on The Early Show and Big Brother). Eventually, he was able to work his way back into News on CNN, but he’s unlikely to take such a gamble again.

I have seen everyone of those reality shows as well, and am embarrassed about it too. But if I were the one making that list, I would replace The Mole Yucatan with The Love Cruise. That crazy girl Toni from Paradise Hotel was on this show as well, yelling and screaming at people. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I saw her in 2 different reality shows, she annoyed the f— out of me. But I never switched off my TV. — Liza Muftikian

Well, Liza, I’ll see your to reality shows starring Toni Ferrari, and raise you! I sat through three entire seasons worth of Toni on Love Cruise, Paradise Hotel, and Kill Reality — that show about reality stars trying to make a horror movie. Now that’s more Toni than any man (or woman) can handle. I did finally draw the line at Camp Reality, however, which just may have been the worst reality show of all time. Which makes her inclusion in it all the more apt.

What’s the over/under for the Pamela Anderson?Rick Salomon marriage? 6 months? What are some of your significant other’s TV crushes? And which of the new fall shows are you loving and/or loathing. Send your questions, comments, and quibbles to theglutton@ew.com, or just fill out the handy-dandy form below. See ya next week!

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