TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best | EW.com

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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

TV's funniest lines from September 25 to October 1. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

”I was relieved when a couple days later Glen got out of the hot box, mostly ‘cause I wanted him out of my life, but also because when you hide a shiv in your pants for two days, you can’t help but have a few mishaps.”
A JAILED EARL (JASON LEE), ON MY NAME IS EARL

”We do have a colander, dear. No need to be flashy.”
MRS. BENNET (ASHLEY CROW), AFTER CLAIRE (HAYDEN PANETTIERE) FISHED A WEDDING RING FROM A POT OF BOILING WATER WITH HER BARE HAND, ON HEROES

”See, this is where you and I are different, because this is all I want to talk about.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, TO GUEST PARIS HILTON, WHEN SHE SAID SHE DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER STINT IN JAIL ANYMORE, ON THE LATE SHOW

”I’m voting for Derek Zoolander…oh, I mean Dave.”
ASHLEY, WHILE CASTING A VOTE AGAINST VAIN FORMER MODEL DAVE, ON SURVIVOR: CHINA

”Apes, if you believe the Democrats.”
HOUSE (HUGH LAURIE), AFTER BEING ASKED WHERE HE CAME FROM, ON HOUSE

”Listen to me. You are going to be a United States senator. You’re going to occupy one of the highest offices in the land. Don’t you as a future U.S. senator at least have to have enough courage, enough integrity, to walk into a hotel room and give a tranny hooker a check?”
NICK (PETER KRAUSE), TO PATRICK (WILLIAM BALDWIN), ON DIRTY SEXY MONEY

”Do you think I’ll still have time for softball?”
CLAIRE (LINDSEY SHAW), DISCOVERING SHE’S MADE HER SCHOOL’S ANNUAL ”10 MOST BANGABLE GIRLS” LIST, ON ALIENS IN AMERICA

”Is there a God? Then what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus’ dad?”
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), ON THE OFFICE

”I have five rules. Rule No. 1: Don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you. That’s not gonna change.”
CHRISTINA (SANDRA OH), TO HER NEW GAGGLE OF INTERNS, ON GREY’S ANATOMY

”N! I don’t have the energy to say ‘no’ anymore!”
WILHELMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS), ON UGLY BETTY

”A man in Boston proposed to his girlfriend this week by having the phrase ‘Will you marry me?’ placed in the Sunday crossword puzzle of The Boston Globe. This only six months after he divorced his first wife via word jumble.”
AMY POEHLER, ON ”WEEKEND UPDATE” ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”It’s been reported that Britney Spears recently asked a paparazzi photographer to go into a store and buy her a tampon. The photographer said it was a great opportunity to finally give something back to the vagina that’s given so much.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

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