Michael Slezak
October 12, 2007 AT 12:00 PM EDT

Look, I’m no Beyoncé hater. The woman occupies two spots on my iPod’s Top 10 Most Played listing (with “Suga Mama” and “Freakum Dress”). I paid $10 to see The Fighting Temptations in the theater. I’ve even used “automobills” in casual conversation. But her latest project, the “B-Phone,” launched in conjunction with Samsung, sounds more like a Saturday Night Live skit than anything anyone would ever want to buy. Ever.

The B-Phone, as its name implies, is a phone, and it’s also an MP3 player. But wait! There’s more! The B-Phone has a Beyoncé-themed startup screen and can be used to download exclusive Beyoncé photos, videos, and a song called “632-5792” that the Destiny’s Child frontwoman recorded when she was just a prepubescent diva-in-training.

A story in Billboard about the B-Phone product launch featured a doozy of a quote from Steve Stoute, who brokered the B-Phone deal: “Her fans love music, they love pictures and they love talking.” No way, dude. I’m a fan of Beyoncé, but I hate talking. And I never look at pictures. Not even ones of pretty ponies. And therefore, the B-Phone is not, and never will be, for me. Nor will any other celebrity phone, for that matter. Unless maybe it’s Vanessa L. Williams. And no, I’m not going to delete that last sentence, because otherwise, I’ll never believe I wrote it.

Anyway, B-Phone. Seriously?  How did this happen? And how does Samsung expect to sell more than 20 of these things? Discuss.

addCredit(“Beyoncé: Stephen Lovekin/WireImage.com”)

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