When Forbes released its ranking of the Fictional 15 last week, I experienced a sudden and conflicting rush of emotions. I mourned the death of Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks (No. 1 back in ‘06), felt ecstatic over the addition of Princess Peach — who was always my choice in Super Mario Bros. 2 because, duh, she hover-flies and wears a pretty pink dress — but was utterly outraged by the drop-off of Mr. Monopoly. Um, what the hell? According to Forbes, the mustachioed moneyman “lost everything in subprime mortgage crash…attempted to rob Atlantic City gentleman’s club; was sent directly to jail, did not pass Go, did not collect $200.” Who knew Mr. Monopoly (a.k.a. Rich Uncle Pennybags) was in such a wretched state?
Come on now, people, it’s time to purchase some hotels on Boardwalk; the dapper old dude needs you. And if you can’t feel sympathy for a man who’s repeatedly sprung you from the pen while donning a tux and top-hat, then shame on you.