I usually don’t get excited by such hackneyed clichés as Serena’s Christmas gift to boyfriend Dan—sex, in a canvas of snow—but I’ll admit it: Their horizontal mambo made me want to do a little dance. Maybe it’s the holiday season reaching its peak, or the ribbons of snow swirling through the streets. Maybe it was that second glass of wine. But all I know is that the otherwise saccharin scene had me feeling totally warm inside.
Let’s rewind. Last night’s holiday edition of Gossip Girl—the third-to-last of its remaining original episodes, with the final one airing January 9—put the pressure on its characters to deliver the goods. And they did, if the multiplying love triangles are any indication. Oh how this show twists and turns! Just when we think we have a particular romance locked down, therein collapses, inconceivably, another. Here’s the breakdown of the complicated holiday feast GG served us last night:
• After their not-so-clandestine affair pops in front of their children, Rufus and Lily turn to others for their emotional fixes: Rufus with his estranged wife, Allison; Lily with OG Bad Boy, Bass Sr.(Eric said it best when he squealed: “He only has one facialexpression—he scares me.”) Lily scores a marriage proposal onChristmas, and rubs her new relationship in her ex-lover’s face withfictional trips to Anguilla. Classy.
• Producers may have killed Allison off the show for good (hooray! she sucked), thanks to a visit by her other man, Alex.But what riled up Rufus to take the bull by the horns and confronthim? He’s usually so passive that he’s content to stare atthe ceiling, or wax poetic on the phone while crouched on his Brooklynrooftop. Did he suddenly lay off the pot?
• Serena approaches third-party Vanessawith her tail between her legs for help with Dan’s Christmaspresent, which had to be the right mix of extremely thoughtful andeclectic and cheap but not too cheap, all at the same time. Who said Dan “I don’t like money” Humphrey didn’t have high standards?
• Once the perpetual date-rapist, Chuck now targets men—stealing away Nate from Blairfor a fantastic getaway to Monaco. He then gloats/threatens her with asun-drenched snapshot of the lads splashing on the beach and textmessages like “How did u fake ur virginity for N.?” Um, Talented Mr. Ripley, anyone?
• Following suit are B.’s parental units, who now include Romain, the very eager, very gay French lover of her late-blooming father. Eleanor rightlyobserved: “Blair learned scheming from her mother, and unrealisticdreaming from her father.” Cut to Frenchie finding himself facedown onthe ice in about 10 minutes flat.
• That would’ve all been happy and fine, except that Romain has a soft spot for pretty boys easily bribed by cruises and hired like the cheap trick he probably once was.
• Even Eleanor finds another mate: essentially just a suit witha proclivity for long stares that make her exclaim, “I nearly picked himup off the street!” Lady Waldorf doesn’t know quite what hit her whenshe deposits him at her door the morning after, but she did lookappropriately hung-over.
Whew! To steal terminology from the show, what a fustercluck. Of course, there was also Vanessa strangely poking around inDan’s room, in order to send off his short story, Ten-Eight-Oh Five,penned creepily-cutely several years earlier about his darling. Theso-called “20-under-20” short story contest is completely fictional, sodon’t start sending out your manuscripts yet (The New Yorker onlyreally considers authors with agents, anyway), and also, where wasDan’s reaction? Sure, he smiled a bit, said “Oh my god” once, butc’mon! It’s the freaking New Yorker, enough of an honor to jump up and down and talk incessantly about it for hours—heck, maybe a whole lifetime.
And one other thing: Serena’spush-up bra underneath her robe during the Christmas present-openingsesh made her boobs look huge. Seriously, I know Victoria’s Secret was sponsoring, but they were distracting. That’s all.
Happy Holidays! See you in the New Year. XOXO, YY.