New year, new ”Paradise Hotel”
I didn’t write a column last week. But that was by design. You see, my first New Year’s resolution for 2008 was to give myself a few extra days off. I considered it a little bonus Christmas present for myself, and one which I wouldn’t have to worry about returning because it wouldn’t fit my svelte frame.
[Speaking of svelte, this seems like a good time to give you dear readers an update on Project 150. Project 150 is my on-again, off-again attempt to bulk up — yes, up — to 150 pounds. For the past few years I’ve hovered around the 140-pound weakling mark, which is truly pathetic for a 6-foot-2 man. While preparing for an on-location trip to Palau for Survivor last fall, I was haunted by memories of shirtless pictures of my emaciated frame, from a previous Survivor trip, finding their way into the pages of EW and terrifying unsuspecting readers — so I renewed my commitment to get up and stay at the magic number. However, I have continued to fall short. One night I even went to bed at 152, yet woke up at 146. What the hell is that?!? Losing 6 pounds while sleeping? Forget Sweatin’ to the Oldies — tossing and turning seems to be the best exercise regimen out there. And you don’t even have to look at Richard Simmons! Anyway. I made sure to have seconds — sometimes even thirds — on many a holiday meal, yet still couldn’t crack the golden weight. Maybe I just need to become an alcoholic and start pounding a case of Milwaukee’s Best a night. At least it would make Celebrity Apprentice easier to watch.]
Okay, so like I said, I resolved to take last week off, but my New Year’s resolutions do not stop there. Here, then, are other promises I have made to myself for 2008.
I resolve to continue flummoxing my coworkers by railing against The Hills every single day while also singing the praises about the return of Paradise Hotel to television. (The difference of course, is that Paradise Hotel doesn’t pretend to be offering even a remote facsimile of real life, while The Hills is as scripted as any soap opera.)
I resolve to track down Michael Schoeffling. He played Molly Ringwald’s hunky crush Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles, rocked a mohawk in Vision Quest, and then was basically never seen or heard from again. Word has it he became a carpenter in Pennsylvania. Not quite sure why this guy never made it. Perhaps his acting was as wooden as the floorboards he now uses to construct backyard decks, or maybe he just couldn’t fathom a life of starring in movies with characters named Long Duk Dong. Whatever the reason, it’s a shame, and I would love nothing more than to share a beer with the guy and hear his story. Who knows, maybe he’ll even give me the keys to his Rolls Royce and let me drive his passed-out girlfriend home.
I resolve to stop telling people to watch The Wire, recognizing that if people haven’t checked it by now — in its fifth and final season — they ain’t gonna start no matter what I or any other critic says.
I resolve to not impregnate any member of the Spears family.
I resolve to stop buying DVD versions of Evil Dead movies. I think the 10 or so I have already are enough to get me through life. At least until I upgrade to Blu-Ray.
I resolve to stop yelling ”We know! We just watched it! We’re not freakin’ idiots!” at the TV screen during those Target episode recaps that appear halfway through every Friday Night Lights episode.
I resolve to never grow a ”strike beard.”
I resolve to stop looking at this picture 312 times per hour.
I resolve to read the book Atonement after seeing the movie, enjoying it, and then being told that people who didn’t read the book dug it more than people who did. For one thing, this makes me feel like some dumb, non-book-reading dweeb. For another, I look forward to turning the whole argument on its head and seeing whether I will now enjoy the book Atonement more or less than people who read it without seeing the movie. Regardless of what I think, I also resolve to then go around saying ”It wasn’t as good as the movie,” just to piss people off.
I resolve to never watch another ”results show” ever again. Life is too short.
Finally, I resolve to watch every hour of Big Brother beginning this February. (Apparently, life is not quite short enough.)
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