Annie Barrett
February 19, 2008 AT 12:00 PM EST

Martha Stewart has acquired Emeril Lagasse’s entire food-based empire for around $50 million. He’ll appear on her show tomorrow to discuss it, but you probably won’t watch it, since you probably have a life. Instead, check out PopWatch’s exclusive (because we made it up) snippet of the segment’s transcript:

Martha: Let’s all welcome my guest, the brand name Emeril Lagasse.
Emeril: Let’s kick it up a notch! Who wants to do hot sauce shots?
Martha: One time I fashioned the cutest little Russian nesting dolls out of hot sauce bottles. It was so easy; I just fired up the urn in my home glassblowing workshop, which should have its own magazine, and settled down on my antique workbench that I carved myself hundreds of years ago out of blackened oak, a virtually extinct virgin timber. I —
Emeril: Huh?
Martha: Matryoshka. That’s how you pronounce it. I’m excellent with languages. My maiden name is Kostyra. I’m glad I don’t use it anymore, because it contains the word “Tyra.”
Emeril: What?
Martha: I’m going to buy the rights to all of the words. Oh, I can see it. Martha Stewart Speaking. How delightfully ironic, for a magazine. What’s that smell?
Emeril: That’s my essence.
Martha: My essence.
Emeril: Oh yeah, babe. Spice it up! Pork fat rules!
Martha: I don’t like brand name Emeril Lagasse’s tone.
Emeril: Bam!
Martha: Make it Ma’am!
Emeril: Crest toothpaste!
Martha: How about a piping hot thank you to the brand name Emeril Lagasse, everyone? Good luck to me in the coming business year.

addCredit(“Emeril Lagasse: John Parra/”)

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