It’s 6 p.m., and E!’s coverage of the Oscars red carpet is finally becoming relevant. So settle in with me and Mandi Bierly for the night — as the dreamy host of The Soup Joel McHale puts it, let’s take some E! Mandi and I are officially at your service for the next (hopefully only) six hours, ready to comment about what’s happening on the small screen… on an even smaller screen. Which you’re probably reading on an even smaller screen because you’re down with technology like Ryan Seacrest. Have you guys heard about texting? It’s really convenient. Anyway, Oh my God, here comes Ryan’s hot chocolate lapel, so let’s get started…
Annie: Mandi! Are you and your preliminary garlic knot ready?
Mandi: Ready! And that should be knots. Plural. I had three.
Mandi: This is a big night.
Annie: I just made the first puncture in a boxed Entenmann’s sheet cake, because it is such a big night.
Annie: I’m worried. Will E! be comfortable making the shift from blatant six-hour commercial for lingerie/diamonds/Kim Kardashian’s ass to legitimate red carpet coverage?
Mandi: I’m just happy they’ll have their professional journalists on the carpet. And Giuliana.
Mandi: I’m already hating Ryan’s lapel.
Mandi: Jon Stewart: “Nobody likes to be called a c———.” That is true.
Annie: Uh, is Guiliana seriously warning Jon Stewart not to swear on E!? What won’t E! air?
Mandi: How is Giuliana making Jon Stewart NOT funny?
Annie: He is haaaaaating this.
Mandi: The weather is a “breaking story.”
Annie: Zebras have always had a knack for meteorology.
Mandi: Flood warning is off, but we’ve got one string of showers on their way to the red carpet. Ryan is predicting goosebumps. Translation: We should have started our red carpet coverage at 6:30 p.m. ET.
Annie: Okay, let’s snack more and reconvene then.
Annie: How about, if three people leave us a comment about their Oscars plans in the next 10 minutes, we’ll continue.
Annie: The correct comment, of course, is: “I’m sitting by my computer virtually hangin’ with Mandi and Annie for the duration.”
Mandi: Oh good. They’ve got Giuliana in the sky box. Keep her away from the stars. That is a beautiful color on her though.
Annie: Oh, Mandi. Let’s not, shall we?
Mandi: Kimora is calling Ellen Page “a little plain.”
Annie: Chocolate Love Seacrest agrees with you about G’s dress!
Mandi: I have this weird feeling that Ryan Seacrest and I would actually get along.
Annie: You two totally would. Didn’t he sign a photo for you: “Thanks for last night”? I’ve seen it on your office door!
Annie: There will be no lying about your affair with Chocolate Love on PopWatch!
Mandi: Yes, he did.
Annie: Uh, Ryan, I believe the center of the entertainment universe is this blog post, not you.
Mandi: And ooh, he has a whip! This could be love.
Mandi: I can’t believe we’re getting a Britney update during Oscars coverage.
Annie: Let’s solemnly swear to never use my least fave Hollywood expression — the one that rhymes with “maybe hump” — on this post.
Mandi: We have stars! Heidi and Seal!
Annie: “Fow dees FIFTEEN CONTESTANTS!”
Mandi: Heidi’s red dress is “extra special,” because it’s going to be auctioned off for charity. I’d pay $25 to smell what cologne Seal wears. Oh, there must be bigger stars somewhere. We got screams
Mandi: Kinda love Heidi right now, leaning in and whispering, “It’s George Clooney.” She knows her place. Clooney is arriving early.
Annie: What’s hidden in Heidi’s enormous bun? I’m going with garlic knots.
Mandi: The money she paid Ryan to say that he likes her singing voice?
Annie: Much more likely.
Mandi: Is that Lacey Chabert with Tom Wilkinson?
Annie: “Tom, Stop trying to make “Oscar” happen. It’s not going to happen.”
Mandi: Ryan is asking “Gone Baby Gone” Amy Ryan to punch him. SHE is the luckiest girl in the world.
Annie: E! should get their 25 cents back for that sound effect.
Mandi: Another commercial. They must have had to throw cold water on Giuliana. She does love her some Clooney. I do, too, but you’ve got to wonder when the backlash will start…
Mandi: I’m kinda missing Joan right now. I never thought I’d say that. She always made me nervous, what with never knowing who anyone was, but when she was on, she was genius.
Annie: You may need to start drinking.
Mandi: The scattered showers just moved in. I was in LA once, when it rained, and no s—, people were freaking out. The radio guy was like, “There’s puddling in Beverly Hills. THERE’S PUDDLING IN BEVERLY HILLS!”
Annie: I wish there was pudding in Beverly Hills! The actual famous people we are about to see definitely need some.
Annie: Thank you for bleeping yourself out for my benefit.
Mandi: Someone else needs to arrive. I don’t need to see Heidi Klum again.
Annie: Ugh. Ryan Seacrest: Foreign accents are pretentious.
Mandi: Tom Wilkinson is addicted to Friends, and was tongue-tied when he met Lisa Kudrow yesterday? I heart him!
Mandi: And another commercial after Giuliana brings up Clooney. I always thought it was interesting that Kate Walsh says she likes gossip mags in that car commercial. If she ever complains about being in the tabs, that will come back to haunt her.
Mandi: Not that she’s ever in the tabs. So I guess that’s not a huge fear.
Annie: Oh god, I don’t have the energy to blog about the commercials. Stop the drinking right now, young lady. I take it back!
Mandi: A man in Ryan’s crotch! Love him again.
Annie: “I’m so sorry we don’t have a crotch cam ready.”
Mandi: I don’t even recognize his girlfriend with that new hair color. Do you think she’ll speak?
Annie: Where exactly is his hair trying to escape to?
Mandi: She speaks! One word.
Mandi: Clooney’s hair looks great.
Annie: She said “Never!” To quote Giuliana, “O-M-G.” Clooney’s GF = Best Supporting Actress of the red carpet.
Mandi: Ohmygod, Ryan just commented on Clooney’s hair. Again he and I are one!
Mandi: “It’s amazing how real it looks.” Jason Bateman on Clooney’s hair. Snap!
Annie: I wanted Bateman to say “Her?” re: the Clooney GF.
Annie: Mandi, I think you should get The Bardem.
Annie: It worked for Helen Mirren!
Mandi: I’d tell you to get it, but you just got those new bangs and they look fabulous.
Annie: Stop it!
Mandi: Right, PopWatchers? (Annie will so hate that.)
Mandi: Ryan has nothing to ask Anne Hathaway.
Mandi: John Travolta’s hair?
Mandi: Ryan’s cologne would be called “Insecurity.”
Annie: What does Saoirse Ronan have against Italy?
Mandi: Ryan is flicking his sweat at the camera. Not loving him. And Giuliana’s talking about Clooney again. Ken Baker: “History was made tonight. He brought her out.” This woman will never have her own identity again.
Annie: She’ll always have Vegas?
Mandi: John Travolta needs to get off my screen. Why would he separate from Kelly Preston for photos. Kelly looked beautiful and draws attention away from his head.
Annie: Yay, Steve Carell and Nancy Walls
Annie: What do we think Chocolate Love was shopping for when he overheard Steve Carell’s shopping list?
Mandi: i’m loving that you’re calling him Chocolate Love, by the way. I will pick that up now.
Annie: This is like a giant Get Smart commercial.
Annie: “FILL your WOMB with CHILD”?!?!?!
Mandi: “It’s really quite exciting,” says Patrick Dempsey. With absolutely no emotion. Oh, wait, he smiled. There’s a Patrick Dempsey doll? And it has John Travolta’s hair!
Annie: Patrick Dempsey: Please go buy these dolls that admittedly don’t resemble me.
Annie: I loooooove Kelly’s dress color.
Mandi: Ryan: “Stoplight yellow.”
Annie: Orange or stoplight yellow? Hell no! I’d go with Burnt Sienna, my fave Crayola shade.
Annie: Just because I like saying it. The dress is lighter than that though.
Mandi: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Ryan tells him he needs to catch his breath. That meant, “I need a minute to figure out why you’re here again.”
Annie: Do women really care who his date is? We’re women. Let’s take a poll. Do you care?
Mandi: I kinda care. I think he’s the best-acting wrestler we’ve ever had. And I sorta wanted to see The Game Plan.
Annie: For me, it’s a no. 1 out of 2; Rock, you’re through to Hollywood.
Mandi: Amy Adams is carrying an empty handbag. LAME.
Annie: Chocolate Love isn’t really surprised that nothing about her outfit is practical.
Mandi: You know she’s gonna leave it in the ladies room anyway.
Annie: She’s an animated princess! She doesn’t need crap in her bag.
Mandi: What about this broadcast has been “brilliant,” Ryan?
Mandi: Sorry, Chocolate Love.
Mandi: Jennifer Garner is ignoring CL and Gary Busey is threatening CL. It is brilliant!!!
Annie: Aww, Laura Linney evaded his “Who are you wearing?” question for a more important one: “How are you doing?” Because isn’t that what we care about?
Mandi: Jennifer Garner looks so afraid of Gary Busey. Gary Busey just kissed her on the neck.
Mandi: I love this show. Laura Linney has so much class for rescuing Garner. Ryan was trying.
Annie: Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen look way more like sibllings than Jen and Laura.
Mandi: Did Chocolate Love just hit on Miley Cyrus?
Annie: WTF? Did Miley Cyrus just harass CL to interview her?
Mandi: I’m fighting the urge to rewind and watch that Garner/Busey/Chocolate Love throwdown. Especially since Miley just called her mom “hot.” And Ryan just kissed the mom. He’s way too flirty with the Cyrus family.
Annie: “Congratulations to the soon-to-be-billionaire daughter that you have.” Ewww.
Annie: Chocolate Love, this isn’t Idol. They can’t “text now.”
Mandi: Where is Ben? Why wasn’t he there to protect Jennifer? Jennifer does look gorgeous when she’s not afraid for her life.
Mandi: Keri Russell! “I like you so much more now,” to Ryan Seacrest after he raps “Bust a Move.” LOVE HER!
Annie: Oh no, Red Carpet Roulette.
Annie: “Do I really need to learn math?” First thing out of Keri’s mouth: “Oh, no.”
Mandi: She’s a mom. She’ll need an answer for that. In like six years or so.
Annie: She can later edit her answer to “Not really.”
Mandi: Helen Mirren. Not loving her dress as much I did last year’s.
Annie: How embarrassing for Helen to even have to ANSWER a question about Miley Cyrus.
Mandi: Helen’s knitted her Oscar a little scarf. I so want to see a picture of that.
Annie: Haha! Helen Mirren plays with her statues just like Michael Slezak plays with dolls!
Mandi: I knew Chocolate Love was going to ask her if she’d be breastfeeding. And she is.
Mandi: Jessica did not look happy with him.
Annie: We’re not discussing Jessica Alba.
Mandi: Cameron Diaz looked genuinely disappointed in herself for not knowing what jewelry she was wearing. She should’ve been.
Annie: God, G, learn to say “Cotillard”.
Annie: And Chocolate Love, please don’t imitate her accent.
Annie: CL didn’t pick up on Tilda’s sarcasm about not getting why people like George Clooney.
Mandi: But he knows it when he sucks. And that’s what saves him.
Mandi: Ryan asks Colin Farrell if Nicole Kidman is responsible for him getting into acting. And it’s not true. Maybe Joan Rivers is doing research for E!
Annie: Yeah, all of his anecdotes have come out of nowhere!
Mandi: The winds must have really picked up. Look at Calista Flockhart’s hair?!
Annie: Oh, phew! Hilary Swank has unsalted almonds in her bag. Because she can’t put a cake in her bag. She should have tried.
Mandi: Hilary Swank is into some kind of martial art that I can’t spell. I bet Jessica Alba wished she knew it.
Mandi: Ryan totally tried to butter Viggo Mortensen up by asking Viggo’s niece the first question. We knew that interview wasn’t going to go well. And it didn’t. Poor CL.
Annie: He’s not poor.
Mandi: Not attractive: Katherine Heigl asking CL if her red lipstick is on her teeth.
Annie: Did she just drink an eight-pound espresso?
Mandi: Katherine looks great, but we’ve seen this look from her so many times. Her old Hollywood is old.
Annie: Hey, let’s all switch to ABC. I’ve had it with E! I feel we’ve paid our dues.
Annie: Goodbye, Chocolate Love. You’re not as good as my cake.
Mandi: Samantha Harris! Your favorite person, Annie!
Mandi: I had no idea Regis started the red carpet in ’79. That’s kinda cool that they brought him back.
Annie: Reege is not even pretending to be interested in the Clooney GF.
Annie: WHY MUST HE SHOUT EVERYTHING?
Mandi: Regis is the new Joan Rivers. This is so uncomfortable.
Mandi: Javier is an attractive man.
Mandi: His mother knows that he’s a good kid. AH.
Annie: Shaun, don’t toss anything to Regis, are you crazy?!
Mandi: STEVE GUTTENBERG AT THE OSCARS!
Mandi: You know he negotiated that into his Dancing With the Stars contract. ABC has no shame.
Annie: Ugh, don’t remind me.
Mandi: I can’t wait to read your TV Watches on The Gute. It’s a reason to live.
Annie: There’s no way I’m posting that.
Mandi: Maybe Gary Busey was just trying to tell Jennifer Garner that he loved her movie?
Annie: Sure. Yeah, that was it.
Annie: Mauling/kissing is how we compliment each other’s blog items in the EW office, after all.
Mandi: Reege to Helen Mirren: “From the queen to the whorehouse.”
Mandi: What is that woman with Daniel Day-Lewis wearing? And what is up with his hair?
Annie: Silly Mandi. Who wants to talk about DD-L when not-nominated Cameron Diaz is around?
That’s quite enough. Join us as we live blog the telecast, should that ever begin….