Look at Jon Stewart, clutching that statue like it might have the power to fill 3.666-repeating hours with funny filler. Will anything during the actual ceremony compare with the scene on the red carpet when Gary Busey attacked Jennifer Garner? Let’s find out. PopWatch has already blogged E!’s red carpet… but starting now: Live, on the scene (read: home, at our own computers), it’s the currently underwhelmed Mandi Bierly and an over-caffeinated Annie Barrett! Watch what happens on TV. Then immediately hit refresh on your computer. Yes. Technology. 2008!
Mandi: Jack Nicholson in the front row, natch. Which star would you want to sit next to? Jack would be fun. I imagine everyone comes to him during commercials.
Annie: I’d just want to sit on an aisle. Oh, no! I hope the animated Oscar-goer can make it to the ceremony amidst all the crashing cars and sparkles!
Annie: Jon Stewart can’t believe they’re all here.
Mandi: “The fight is over. So tonight, welcome to the makeup sex.”
Annie: Nice. The Oscars are already sizzling.
Annie: Hey Mandi, let’s you and I take a moment to congratulate ourselves, too.
Mandi: My downstairs neighbor isn’t watching the Oscars. I can hear his TV, and it’s not Jon Stewart talking about Hollywood’s love affair with killers.
Annie: Who is your neighbor kidding?
Annie: Don’t ask him! There’s no time!
Mandi: Hannibal Lecter and Dorothy Hamill in the same joke!
Annie: Yay, first Jew joke.
Annie: Ha! Re: Norbit: “Too often, the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.”
Mandi: Yay, first giggle at himself.
Annie: First giggle at Dennis Hopper being old.
Mandi: I hope Diablo Cody wins, so I can see her dress. Scary or cool?
Annie: You could just see her dress in a magazine…
Annie: What’s your stripper name?
Mandi: Princess Main
Mandi: Stay the course joke. Ouch.
Annie: I didn’t have a pet, so using my middle name, it’s…wait for it… Marie Indian Head.
Annie: We’re missing the scintillating political discussion. Stewart’s predicting terrorism from outer space in response to the democratic candidates. That makes sense.
Mandi: Gaydolf Titler. Second giggle at himself. Titler.
Mandi: Jennifer Garner! Please cut to Gary Busey in the audience. PLEASE!
Annie: Why aren’t they?
Mandi: Because Gary’s seat is in the mens room.
Annie: My bad.
Annie: Elizabeth: The Golden Age wins the first award, for Costume Design. Speech was short and sweet, unlike the train on that dress.
Mandi: I can’t wait to see what Kimora says about that woman’s dress. That Barbra Streisand interview was kinda pointless. She, however, looked great.
Annie: You can wait for Kimora.
Mandi: So far, I have to say that I had more fun blogging the pre-show. You?
Mandi: He really does look amazing. And you know what makes this show long — montages!
Annie: The score from E.T. is very much helping.
Mandi: That Rob Lowe-Snow White thing should be shown in its entirety.
Annie: Ha! Jon Stewart loves new media too! You know he’s actually reading this live blog on his iPhone. So we should probably start being funny.
Mandi: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway presenting Best Animated Feature. Is this a step up from her presenting costume design last year?
Annie: This exchange was quite intricately scripted. Did you catch her “Oui” response to his asking if something’s available in Belgium?
Annie: Yay, Ratatouille! The rodentia on the sidewalk outside my house are going WILD.
Mandi: Yay, first junior high guidance counselor thanked. By Brad Bird.
Mandi: Katherine Heigl is nervous? Why? This announcer said her name correctly. Might be the heavy blush.
Annie: How is she not good at this? What was the point of saying that? Is she unsure about her own makeup?
Mandi: It makes her appear vulnerable, so we’ll like her more. Not hermakeup, but her saying that she was nervous. La Vie en Rose wins formakeup.
Annie: “I’m really happy and proud to be here. Bye.” Best speech ever!
Annie: Yes, Jon Stewart is singing and we’re only 30 minutes in.
Annie: Uh. Here we go. How many people in the audience do you think have seen Enchanted?
Mandi: Amy Adams performing “Happy Working Song”. On one hand, I respect that she has no set or dancers. On the other hand, I didn’t see the movie and I’m bored.
Mandi: I would pay to see Jack Nicholson’s face right now.
Annie: Yeah. They should have a JackCam, picture-in-picture option. How has that not been an Oscar-viewing option for the new millenium?
Mandi: OHMYGOD. We’re pitching that to the Academy next year.
Mandi: Catherine Zeta-Jones: “I wasn’t around when Michael got his.” Michael Douglas: “Well, you were born honey.” Funny. Until his miscarriage joke.
Annie: The Rock: One giant visual effect? Discuss.
Mandi: The Rock: Afraid of Raiders of the Lost Ark? Discuss.
Annie: We’re both too busy to discuss either of these.The Golden Compass wins for Visual Effects!
Mandi: I did not see it. Nicole Kidman scared me. Visual Effects artists are crazy! And loud! And love their families.
Annie: Don’t forget the crews! You jerk.
Mandi: Cate Blanchett looks amazing. Take that, Jessica Alba!
Annie: Cate looks amazing; love the outfit and hair. Am I alone?
Annie: Hooray, I am not alone!
Mandi: Guess not.
Annie: New blog motto: PopWatch: You’re never alone!
Mandi: Sweeney Todd wins for art direction. What is it with them playing off anyone who has an accent?
Mandi: Jon Stewart saying the dog in No Country for Old Men was played by Cate Blanchett — best joke of the night.
Annie: She is so much more talented than I thought!
Mandi: Maybe they could have had her impersonate all the best supporting actor winners from years past. THAT would be a worthwhile montage.
Annie: We should probably be in charge of the Oscars, Mandi.
Mandi: And I would have tacked on a two-second clip from Radio at the end of that montage.
Mandi: Javier Bardem wins best supporting actor. Presenter Jennifer Hudson didn’t even bother to try to build the suspense, since there was none. Yes, you do have to speak fast, Javier. You have an accent!
Annie: I believe it’s pronounced “Xavier,” Mandi. Or at least that’s what I hear from Reege.
Mandi: Someone who speaks Spanish, please translate Javier’s speech during the commercial. Thanks!
Annie: I’ll do it. “I am so sexy so sexy so sexy so sexy adios.”
Annie: Oscar’s Salute to Binoculars and Periscopes = brilliant
Annie: So pointless. So unessential. So delicious.
Mandi: The bad dreams one was better!
Mandi: Keri Russell is wearing the dress Cate Blanchett would’ve worn had she not been pregnant. Cate loves metallics.
Annie: “Raise It Up” for metallics!
Mandi: Holy crap, that little girl can sing.
Annie: She rules. Impromptu duet with Stewart, stat!
Annie: Aw, Hal Holbrook joke, to make him feel included. :(
Mandi: Le Mozart des Pickpockets wins for Live Action Short Film. And Oscar pools are blown everywhere!
Mandi: Jerry Seinfeld as a bee. Still not funny.
Annie: What is this, an NBC commercial block circa October ’07?
Mandi: Peter & the Wolf wins for animated short film. Nice of them to dedicate it to us all.
Annie: Here we go: Supporting Actress. Ruby Dee is slackjawed by her own performance.
Annie: Aw, Saoirse Ronan seems so unaffected. Get out of town immediately, girl!
Annie: I’m rooting for Amy Ryan, just because I assumed during Gone Baby Gone that she wasn’t acting, that they just found a random mother on the streets of Southie and said let’s use her.
Mandi: Tilda Swinton wins! NOW Oscar pools are really blown.
Annie: She’s giving the statue to her agent, but she should shave off the buttocks and keep those.
Mandi: Tilda killed in her supporting actress speech. Batman & Robin nipples!
Mandi: Jessica Alba got the honor of being ogled by the gentlemen at the technical awards.
Annie: Okay, Jack Nicholson, you have your assignment: impregnate people. Now just continue to sit there and grin and let the magic of Hollywood make! it! happen!
Mandi: Best moment of the night. Josh Brolin and James McAvoy spinning!
Annie: Oooh the Coens! Josh could’ve clonked James on the head with a statue as a symbolic gesture.
Mandi: Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Joel and Ethan Coen. It looks like we’re at the Emmys and the Daily Show writers just won.
Mandi: I would so tell everyone who Alfred Molina voted for.
Mandi: That was better than the usual president’s speech. I’ll give him that.
Mandi: Miley Cyrus is abnormally composed for a girl her age. In an annoying way.
Annie: Yeah. I’m buyin’ it. I’m just not havin’ it. Like my cake, which has been severely neglected for my keyboard.
Annie: I’ll live “Happily Ever After” as soon as this heinous performance ends.
Mandi: Why does Kristin Chenoweth get a production number and Amy Adams didn’t? Maybe ’cause Kristin is used to it. Most impressed that she hasn’t tripped on her dress. Yet.
Mandi: Confession: Normally during commercials, I’m practicing my acceptance speech for the (fictional) screenplay I cowrote with Steve Martin. My fave scenario is that he can’t make the telecast because he’s filming out of town. So he gives me a sealed envelope with a speech in it, just in case we win. When our names are announced, I go onstage, open the envelope, and the note just says something like, “There’s no way we’ll actually win. Sorry.”
Annie: Jon Stewart just accepted a baby on Angelina’s behalf? Eh.
Mandi: That will be the only time Jessica Alba is ever in a category with Cate and Nicole.
Mandi: The Bourne Ultimatum wins for sound editing. A nice consolation prize since there was a poll on EW.com where readers said they’d actually have liked it nominated for Best Picture.
Annie: I think they were actually thrilled by the “get off the stage, f—ers” music there.
Mandi: The Bourne Ultimatum wins for sound mixing. ANOTHER MAN WITH A PONYTAIL.
Mandi: They turned off the mic? How rude!
Annie: You’re right, Stephanie Tanner. The sound mixing at the end of these speeches is horrifying.
Mandi: I wonder how many pairs of black sunglasses Jack Nicholson actually owns. And if he loses his sunglasses as often as I do. Question: You’re at an Oscars party, and Jack Nicholson leaves his glasses sitting on a table. Do you run after him to return them, or slip them into your bag or pocket?
Annie: You obviously keep them! He has tons of spares. Plus, you probably already lost your own pair for the day. What do the P-Dubs think?
Annie: Okay, she won’t win, but Laura Linney was great in The Savages.
Mandi: And best actress goes to Marion Cotillard. Cate and Julie looked genuinely thrilled for her. That was nice.
Annie: “You rocked my life.” Who says she can’t speak American?
Mandi: “Thank you life. Thank you love. It is true there are some angels in this city.” Love her.
Annie: Oh, this is even better than a duet. I was wondering when we’d get a Wii demonstration.
Mandi: Two notes in, and I know I want this Once song to win.
Annie: Okay, “Falling Slowly” should win anyway, but if we have to sit through THREE Enchanted children’s singalongs, it should win by default.
Mandi: Why were a few people in the front row not applauding. Hello, we can see you!
Annie: Hello! Jack Nicholson’s unshielded face.
Mandi: He never ages.
Annie: Well, this Best Picture montage will take awhile….
Mandi: We’ve finally reached the ’60s in the best picture montage!!!
Annie: This montage should be retitled “Movies I Should See.”
Annie: Just joking.
Mandi: Renée Zellweger looks fabulous from the waist up. I missed her walk out.
Annie: Really? I was just about to ask you what might be stuck up her butt, because she looks so sour.
Annie: Probably shouldn’t post that.
Mandi: The Bourne Ultimatum wins for film editing. And the slit in Renée’s dress made me nervous.
Annie: Stewart: “Someone just won their Oscar pool based on a guess!”
Mandi: Okay, I want to straighten Nicole Kidman”s jewels.
Annie: Are they off-center on purpose?
Annie: I bet Gary Busey would be willing to do it.
Mandi: Honorary Oscar winner Robert Boyle on his standing ovation: “That’s the good part about getting old. I don’t recommend the other.”
Annie: What should we do during this speech: Spell-check our blog post or pour another drink?
Mandi: That speech, and the fact that there are some people who won’t get played off, renew my faith in Hollywood. It’s nice to see stars transfixed by someone who’s not just onstage because she’s pregnant (Jessica Alba).
Mandi: Thank you for not making Penelope Cruz banter. I know she speaks four languages, but at least one of them is not done well.
Annie: I LOVE HER.
Mandi: Why do you love her?
Annie: Because of everything. But mostly Volver.
Mandi: Austria wins Best Foreign Language Film for The Counterfeiters.
Annie: Patrick Dempsey wins Best Sheepish Grin Feat. Dimples.
Mandi: Patrick Dempsey is “versatile and handsome.”
Mandi: I’m feeling a Beauty and the Beast flashback.
Annie: “Tale as old as tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime….”
Annie: NO WAY
Mandi: They should have had the new Dancing With the Stars cast dancing to this!
Annie: Yeah, “So Close” to being on a real TV show.
Mandi: Oh no John Travolta did not just dance.
Mandi: Song Oscar goes to “Falling Slowly” from Once. Someone buy Amy Adams a drink.
Annie: “Make art, make art, thanks, yeah.” Words to live by.
Annie: Hahahaha. Jon Stewart: “That guy is so arrogant.”
Mandi: It would’ve been an even more beautiful moment had they let Marketa Irglova speak.
Mandi: Is it because there aren’t a lot of big names winning Oscars this year that we have to sit through big names talking about their wins from years past?
Annie: Yay, Jon Stewart!
Mandi: Marketa Irglova getting to give her speech is the classiest thing on this show tonight. And then it’s followed by Cameron Diaz.
Annie: There Will Be Blood rightfully wins for Cinematography.
Mandi: Please do not cut to Daniel Day-Lewis. I don’t want to see his hair again until I have to.
Annie: Dude, I don’t know what to do. Typepad is being ridiculously slow. We should just predict who’s going to win the next few awards and publish it. It’ll show up in 20 minutes.
Mandi: Oh, no. The montage of those we lost.
Annie: Okay. Applause-O-Meter… go!
Annie: I think the applause must have at least something to do with which clip they chose to pull for the person. Like, oh, let’s hear it for the guy who made Mary Poppins fly! (I’m serious. Clap.)
Mandi: I’m just not ready to see the person we all know will be last.
Mandi: Wait, did they show Brad Renfro?
Mandi: Consensus on the EW.com group chat is that Ingmar Bergman won the applause-o-meter.
Mandi: Amy Adams again!?!
Annie: Mandi, she is Spokesperson for Sound.
Mandi: Atonement wins for Best Score. You had a very long walk, sir, because you are a composer. Not Jessica Alba.
Annie: Too bad the studio didn’t think the score was good enough to use in the latest batch of Atonement commercials.
Mandi: Tom Hanks! I love that he goes from saying hi! to people in the audience to introducing our troops. Only Hanks can get away with that.
Annie: Whoa. I’ve been looking down at my keyboard basically this whole time, but I just noticed how heinous the set decoration is. Tom Hanks looks like he’s holding court at an 80-year-old’s Florida condo circa 1985.
Mandi: Sure, give our troops a prestigious award, like, Best Documentary Short.
Annie: Mandi, you’re not addressing the very important topic of set decoration.
Mandi: I love that the troops presented an award to Freeheld, about the problems same-sex couples face. Don’t ask what the documentary short is about, don’t tell!
Annie: LOVE that.
Mandi: “At last, hope.” You said it, Tom Hanks. That’s why The King of Kong should have been in this Best Documentary Feature category. If you haven’t seen that film, you should. So good.
Annie: Winner: Taxi to the Dark Side.
Annie: It’s 11:24. Can someone claw my eyes out for me? My hands are busy.
Mandi: Harrison Ford as a car dealership? Lamest joke of the night.
Annie: I bet it’s not a joke. That dealership has to exist somewhere.
Mandi: Original screenplay goes to EW columnist Diablo Cody!
Mandi: The dangerously high slit is definitely a trend in dresses this year. We need one more person to break down in tears before we can call that a trend.
Annie: Best Actor. Do they look like they’re negotiating?
Mandi: They didn’t play the milkshake line for Daniel Day-Lewis. Shocking.
Annie: Wow, taken out of context, any clip of TWBB seems EVEN WEIRDER. It’s great.
Mandi: I’d forgotten that Johnny Depp was even nominated. That movie was underwhelming. Look at him looking all normal!
Annie: Ohhhhhh the Viggo/tongue clip. Yes!
Mandi: Daniel Day-Lewis wins.
Annie: Wow, Helen didn’t even pause between “to” and “Daniel.”
Mandi: He’s wearing two hoop earrings. This makes me think I need to know more about Daniel Day-Lewis…
Annie: Yeah, I’ve only ever remembered the one. What does it mean? Daniel, let us peel back your layers.
Annie: How much do we love the red piping on DD-L’s jacket?
Mandi: Me, only slightly more than I loved Ryan Seacrest’s brown lapel.
Annie: You hated that thing!
Mandi: Are we going through 79 years of directors?
Annie: [passed out]
Annie: Scorsese keeps it short.
Mandi: The best directors are Joel and Ethan Coen.
Annie: Ha! Love Ethan’s contribution to the speech: “Thank you.”
Annie: DENZEL’S SCALP!
Mandi: Best Picture goes to No Country for Old Men! What will the Coens say now?
Mandi: Ah, Scott Rudin is never at a loss for words.
Annie: Tommy Lee continues to look bored.
Mandi: But Frances McDormand, wife of Joel Coen, looks so happy.
Annie: Hey Mandi, it’s been real live blogging this shiz. “Without you, honey, this would be hardware.” I’m referring to my laptop.
Mandi: Aw! Now you can have your cake and eat it, too.
That’s it from us, P-Dubs. Goodnight!