There is no written sound effect that can fully express the magnitude of my frustration after watching last night’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice, but I think the closest I can come up with is simply: Uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg. Somehow, we managed to lose yet another surprisingly endearing contestant last night before the likes of the intolerable Omarosa, obnoxious Piers and completely useless Lennox. Yep, Tito — a.k.a. the only fighter on Celebrity Apprentice that can form a simple sentence — was called out of the ring and sent packing, even though Omarosa probably should have gone home for neglecting to step up to the plate. (At least Tito left with that $50,000 consolation prize for St. Jude’s.)
Because when it came down to it, this was a marketing challenge, and Omarosa does claim to have had experience in that area (believe it or not, she actually did do something before appearing on such quality programs as The Surreal Life). The 0-2 contestant, however, managed to dodge elimination by transferring the blame and obviously manipulating Tito into taking the leadership role in the first place. But, as it turns out, Trump is not the most perceptive person — to the mogul, the elimination all boiled down to a shirtless photo of Trace, which he felt might have won the challenge for Empresario had they included it in their spread. (Wait, did he see the photo?) The blame inexplicably was placed on Tito, and The Donald ousted the fighter for essentially leading a team of idiots.
Backing up, this week our contestants were instructed to create a four-page advertisement layout in Redbookfor Dial, which, incidentally, Trump mentioned he uses (Really, Trump?I always thought you bathed yourself in Eastern European women clad ingold and diamonds). Carol (pictured) volunteered to lead Hydra, whileTito decided to take the reins for Empresario (of course, only afterour little transparent, conniving Omarosa hilariously backpedaled onher offer to lead once Trump mentioned the PM would most likely befired).
It is odd that Tito so fervently placed himself in the line of fireby stepping up as PM, as the dude doesn’t seem like the type who isreally into Dial lotion, or Redbook, for that matter. But wecan assume he was hit around a few times during his career, and isprone to make missteps in judgment (like, say, joining the cast of Celebrity Apprentice,for one). To no one’s surprise, Empresario decided that Trace would bethe face of their Dial campaign, which probably was a good idea,considering their other options — Omarosa, Stevie B, and Tito — weren’tnecessarily the best candidates for the job. The team might havestarted off strong, but their loss was inevitable as soon as they threwtogether their misguided concept involving Trace, a model, and adesert. (Because nothing says soap for middle-aged women likedehydration and country stars…) Unfortunately for Empresario, eventheir voice of reason (Trace) wasn’t able to put the kibosh on anybizarre concepts, as it seemed the country singer opted last night totrade his marketing genius hat for his beefcake cap.
Empresario did have one thing going for them: a first-rate photodirector by the name of Stevie B, of course. (Or is it “The Flea”? Dudehas more nicknames than brothers!) And they were lucky to have theactor behind the lens too, because, as Stevie B noted, people have toldhim that he could run a studio in Hollywood (Oh Stevie B. Will yourshameless self-promotion ever stop? He knows Celebrity Apprenticeisn’t really a job interview, right?) To his credit, Stevie B did seemto have a good eye, but then again, he did buy into the whole countrystar+lotion+desert=success idea.
The strife within the team began as soon as Omarosa suggested thatTrace star shirtless in a photo because women, apparently, likefantasy. Hmmm… I don’t know about you, PopWatchers, but that’s onefantasy I could live without, no matter how big of a fan I am of thecountry singer (I expect the single, “I Embarrassed Myself On NationalTelevision for Soap and Charity” to be on the country charts any daynow). Our God-fearing, clean-livin’ Stevie B. was willing to go alongwith the shoot, but it was obvious he wasn’t a fan of its “risqué”undertones. So after all of Omarosa’s hubbub (or hubba bubba?) overTrace’s cheesecake shots, Stevie B opted to play it safe and leave thephotos out of their family-friendly spread.
(By the way, I must note that the shoot, ridiculous as it was,managed to spawn two genius quotes from our beloved country star: “I’vegot the tan of a vampire at this point. I pretty much look like acadaver right now, and it’s not going to look good naked,” and “My wifeis going to shoot you.” Seriously, after those gems, is there anyoneother than Trace that we want to see win the whole shebang? We’re allpretty much behind the country star 100 percent now, right?)
Hydra, on the other hand, had one obvious advantage over Empresario: Carol, a woman who not only falls within Redbook‘sdemographic, but who also happened to have graced the cover of themagazine several times during her career. Right away, Hydra created astellar concept for their spread that managed to hit on all of Dial’spillars. Their photos from the shoot could have turned out better —they were, after all, under the art direction of America’s Next TopFilmmaker, Lennox “I Like Cats” Lewis — but the spread lookedprofessional and informative enough to satisfy the Dial execs, with theexception of one photo that featured a male model taking a bite out ofCarol (Hey, is that McGruff?). Piers “I Like Sex” Morgan, however,certainly enjoyed the sexy shot — after all, Redbook’s sexytarget audience has had lots of sex, right, Piers? (Did I mention thatPiers was hoping to see “pure sex” during the shoot?) Either way, Hydrawas crowned the winner, and Tito was sent back into the clutches of hisloving girlfriend, whom teenage boys can only now imagine eating a hotdog.
Tell me, PopWatchers, were you a little sad to see Tito go? Couldyou really blame him for tripping up during Empresario’s presentation?(After all, it’s difficult to present an idea that makes absolutely nosense.) Are you tired of Omarosa? Where you surprised that Sleepy Boysurvived yet another week (Yeah, that’s right, Trump, I said it)? Andfinally, which do you find sexier: Trace’s biceps, or his tractor?